Academic Probation

Discovering the undergrad

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Returning to school can be a difficult transition for frosh and real students alike. For several months, university educated partners and aptly named study groups give way to full time jobs, holidays and sexy, yet uninitiated, coworkers. Nonetheless, rates of sexual experimentation continue to drop each September at the University of Calgary, placing campus recruiting officers at a disadvantage in today's competitive post-secondary marketplace.

Campus apathy and increased workloads have led Gauntlet forecasters to predict an all-time low in sexual experimentation being reached this month. While traditional partner finding methods such as trips to the Den or TLFS have led to moderate success, the hot, horny and barely legal frosh are frequently unaware of these methods until it's too late.

In an effort to combat this growing social problem while providing information to our new students regarding the many facilities available on campus, the Gauntlet has conducted months of tireless research to determine the best places for students to solidify that special friendship. This research has led to the discovery of several ideal, and some not-so-ideal, places on campus to explore the many new friendships which will be formed this semester.

Location: Kinesiology B, room 126

Instructions: Proceed to top row. Ensure row is empty. Place partner under table.

How it works: The tables are solid at the bottom, meaning the lecturer cannot see what is underneath the table.

Supplementary equipment: Knee brace, fly-opening boxers, dental dam.

Disappointments: Other classrooms aren't similarly designed.

Location: Social Science Tower, rear stairwell, 13th floor

Instructions: Walk to end of floor. Enter rear stairwell. Move down one half floor.

How it works: Who takes the stairs to the 13th floor, let alone through the rear stairwell? Who even knew there was a rear stairwell?

Supplementary equipment: Flavoured condom, spermicide.

Disappointments: Wandering janitors, grad students trying to meet daily exercise requirements without going to the gym.

Location: Craigie Hall E, basement, washroom (across from CHE 7)

Instructions: Enter stall. Lock door. If door opens, ensure partner (if applicable) is seated with feet raised to avoid detection.

How it works: This ill-placed, rarely used washroom gives students the opportunity for instant gratification between classes.

Supplementary equipment: Money, deodorant, partner (optional).

Disappointments: Stereotypical "Queer as Folk" locale, bathroom smell.

Location: Science Theatres, rooms 141/143/145

Instructions: Sit next to partner. Lower desks. Place binder between desks, stretching from end of partner A's desk to the beginning of partner B's. Ensure hand is placed underneath binder. Reach over to partner. Rub, feel, grope.

How it works: The binder covers your hand while your partner's desk covers their crotch.

Supplementary equipment: Loose-fitting pants, pre-worn condom for premature ejaculators, untucked shirt.

Disappointments: No moaning, groaning or squirming.

Location: Social Sciences, Room 103, ComMedia screening room.

Instructions: Book for 30 minutes to an hour. 16mm filmstrip for fictitious group project. Allow attendant to start film. Ensure door is shut and projector remains running.

How it works: Once set up, the attendant has no reason to enter the room. For added security, sit in a chair placed against the door.

Supplementary equipment: Kleenex travel pack, breath mint, condom.

Disappointments: As student ID is required for booking, discovery is not recommended.

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Comments

Well, I have to file a complaint here as most of your tactics require either difficult hand-eye (or choose your favorite body part) coordination, or an exceptional amount of flexibility. And we all know how that 'some assembly required' situation goes. But more importantly, while a solo act is sometimes as good as it gets, they are often boring and on the whole lacking a certain umph. So yet again, the oh so helpful words of wisdom have failed to bring new zest to my sex life (notice I tried to make it sound like I have one).. next time gimme some tactics on say approaching a guy and getting past the 'are you old enough to not make me a pedophile' question.