The Gauntlet Tier 2 elections took place Wed., March 20. As per usual, there was a hand grenade thrown square at the crotch of democracy.
"None of the races were even contested," said an obviously drunk Editor-in-Chief-elect Kris Kotarski, who swept to victory two weeks before. "These bastards didn't even have to campaign."
"What are we, the Students' Union?" quipped News Editor-elect Вen Li. "This is a travesty in the highest degree."
Li proceeded to stuff his gullet with ketracel white in protest.
"We should have a men's supplement every week!" he screamed.
The Buzz race was hotly contested by no one so it comes as no surprise Myke Atkinson won.
"I owe it all to voodoo," he said. "Between that and my bald head, I couldn't possibly lose. First the entertainment section, then the world!"
Opinions will be taken over by James Keller.
"It's either that or the porn industry," moaned Keller from his northeast Calgary penthouse. "Opinions is cleaner, but porn is more rewarding."
The photo department will be staffed by Photo editor-elect Gary Milner.
"I like photos," he said, looking off into space. "I like photos."
When asked for his ideas for the upcoming year, he simply added, "I like photos."
Nicole Kobie will continue her bloodthirsty reign as a Gauntlet editor in the online department.
"I feel if I put myself online I can reach a new and exciting audience," she said. "I'll have to learn how to turn on the Internet."
Kyle Young will control Academic Probation for a year and is happy.
"I get to wear my snakeskin shirt all the time," yelled Young. "It's pimpin', and pimpin' ain't easy."
Features, perhaps the most exciting Gauntlet section, will be controlled by Lawrence Bailey and Natalie Sit.
"We'll have to take turns," said a grinning Bailey.
"If we don't get along, I'll just move to China for a term."
Aside from the uncontested elections, another interesting trend ran wild through the Tier 2 election. The emergence of the "Asian Tigers" was a surprise to pundits everywhere. Anna Chan will become Photo Assistant and join Natalie Sit and Вen Li to bring the total of "Asian Tigers" up to five. Eric Fung will be News Assistant and Falice Chin will take over the illustrations department.
"I'm Fungtastic," said Fung. "The era of Fung begins today."
"We'll be economically stronger than the other sections," added Chin. "We'll use export-led manufacturing and we'll win every time."
"Just like I planned it," said Editor-in-Chief Michael Leung. "Asian domination!"