Academic Probation
A woman in her natural state, behind the makeup.
Courtesy Alex France

9 ways women are getting it all wrong

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It should come as no surprise that women consistently find themselves under incredibly harsh scrutiny. Advertisements bombard women with criticism, telling them the things men hate and things they should change about themselves in order to be considered desirable.

After seeing this pressure put on women, one group of men decided that they had had enough and banded together in an attempt to change the way the media targets women.

“Over the past several months, hordes of articles have been emerging with outrageous titles such as ‘17 Things Women Love, But Men Hate’ or ‘8 Fashion Trends Guys Hate,’ ” said Nash Grier, founder and president of the Good Guys. “These articles and ways of thinking are extremely harmful because this harsh criticism is so hard for delicate little women to take. How can we ever expect women to want to meet all of our needs when we put them in such a negative light? That’s why we put together the list “How To Be The Perfect Woman,” in which we share the 9 easy steps essential for being the perfect girlfriend, wife or object of our sexual fantasies.”

Grier said that the group aims to use encouragement rather than criticism to change women’s behaviour. The goal of this group is to not tell women the things men hate about them, but instead the things men would love if they did.

“I have always been a man,” said vice-president J.C. Caylen. “A manly one too. Don’t get me wrong. I’m incredibly masculine and incredibly unfeminine. But I’m pretty sure I know enough about what being a woman is like to tell you what is reasonable to expect from you. But definitely not because I’m effeminate in any way.”

The men oh so generously took time from their hectic and important schedules to compile the following list of the ways women should be working to better themselves for the benefit of men.

1. Wear normal jeans. We get that the jeans men are generally expected to wear are baggy and allow for a comfortable and reasonable range of motion, while women’s jeans tend to cut off circulation, but you women are always going on about how strong you are, aren’t you? So we would love it if you could put up with the discomfort and wear real pants as opposed to leggings.

2. Recognize a nice guy when you see one. Appreciate him, worship him, make sure his sexual needs are met and compliment him often on his fedora.

3. Go for the natural look. Don’t you realize you are beautiful just the way you are? Nothing is more attractive to us men than females in their natural, hairless, airbrushed and blemish-free state.

4. Keep the details of your diet to yourself. We understand that this patriarchal society has severely limited the ways in which women can present themselves while meeting our narrow and unattainable standards of beauty, and while we appreciate you striving for that ludicrous ideal, we don’t want to hear about all your efforts to achieve it.

5. Invest in detachable ears. Men love a woman who is sleek and powerful, and can outrun much of the animal kingdom. A woman will never be streamlined when she has ears that aren’t detachable.

6. The ideal woman would have a 1080p screen and one of those remotes with a little screen on it so we can keep watching TV while we change the channel.

7. Men love a woman who has got it all — namely a built-in Blu-ray player, a dualshock controller and a Wi-Fi hotspot.

8. The quickest way to a man’s heart is through a high-quality lens. Something with a wide aperture like a 400mm f/2.8 lens will really get your man’s blood pumping.

9. Finally, it’s no secret that men love a woman who can cook, so it makes sense that men would also love a woman who can reheat. A rotating tray to ensure food heats evenly and thoroughly will set you apart from the rest.

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