Always be prepared, boys and girls

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According to William Blake, "the road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom." True or not, most of us will take some long trips down that road in our university days. The following is intended to help you out of those situations when you have made the mistake of trying to reach the palace of wisdom overnight.

Situation One: You awake suddenly. You're wet, and not in a good way. The mattress feels strangely shaggy. Quickly you realize it is not a mattress at all, but somebody's lawn and their sprinklers just turned on. The previous night just seems to be a haze of purple and beer. Where are you and what should you do?

Analysis: Clearly you went to a Fiji party last night and drank too much, thus explaining the recollections of purple. The good news is that Fijis only throw keggers on weekends so you don't have to worry about being late for class. The bad news is that the Fijis turned their house dry, and their parties moved to community centres. This means that the Fiji house is not close enough to provide you a couch to crash on. Actually, this is good news, as no infectious disease specialist worth their salt recommends sleeping on a Fiji couch under any circumstances.

Your Plan of Action: Gaze at the skyline until you spot the library tower. It will require some effort, but keep that tower in sight and stumble to campus. Stop by the Stör and buy as much blue Powerade as you can. Down it all-this will help with the dehydration. Now make your way to Rez. Buzz all your Rez friends until one of them lets you crash on their couch. You'll be fine by the afternoon.

Just remember not to drink so much the next time you are at a Fiji party. Your only good reason for being there is to meet girls and if a girl at that party wanted to meet a guy who drinks too much and passes out on her, she would already be dating one of the Fijis.

Situation Two: You are female and in the Den washroom, you drank way too many highballs and you think you are going to be sick. Out by the bar is some guy who keeps telling you, "Jen, you look so pretty tonight." Your name is definitely not Jen.

Analysis: The chorus of Home for a Rest that you hear clearly indicates this is a Thursday night. Class will be a reality for you tomorrow. You are going to want to get out of the Den fast, particularly because the guy calling you Jen is Students' Union President Matt Stambaugh. It is a well-known fact that Stambaugh only dates girls named Jen. Clearly, he is on the prowl.

Your Plan of Action: If you can vomit, do so. It will make you feel a lot better in the morning and is more or less a rite of passage at the Den. Just try your best to hit all toilet bowl.

Next, ditch Stambaugh. Behind his nice smile and chiseled physique is a Den veteran you want nothing to do with. If you have trouble getting rid of Matt, simply look your cutest, walk up to the dj and request In the Navy by the Village People. Stambaugh's cadet training will inevitably cause him to burst onto the dance floor, tear off his shirt, and bust a move. This is your window, sprint for the door.

On your way home, try to stop at a convenience store. Buy the following items: two popsicles, one burrito, and two cups of strawberry yogurt. Set your alarm an extra half hour early, you will be hitting the snooze button at least three times. When you do surface, consume the popsicles, burrito, and yogurt in that order and don't volunteer to answer any questions in class. Avoid the Students' Union Office at all cost.

Situation Three: You live at home with your parents, and you are absolutely loaded. It's about three in the morning and you're trying to sneak in after having an evening that was more fun than a Catholic schoolgirl with a belly full of vodka. The next morning you will have to be up bright and early, looking sharp for a family reunion. Death is a certainty if your parents discover what you did tonight.

Analysis: If your parents are going to get that mad at you, it is time to move out, but saying this won't help you now. Your two immediate challenges are as follows: how to sneak back into the house and how to cope with your hangover.

Your Plan of Action: Assuming your parents are asleep, getting in the front door is easy, but do not head straight for your room. Instead go to your dad's liquor cabinet and pour yourself one stiff drink. Do not consume. Given your level of intoxication, getting up the stairs without waking your parents may be difficult. You need a distraction.

Pick up your cell phone, dial *67 to block call display. Then dial your parents, pick up the kitchen phone at the same time as your parents pick up their bedroom phone. Act sleepy and keep on saying, "Hello, who is it?" When your parents identify your voice, say you fell asleep on the couch and the prank call woke you. Then say you are going to fix a snack and go to bed. Your drunkenness will be confused for sleepiness and you now have an excuse to make as much noise as necessary in getting up the stairs. Grab your drink and head to bed asap.

In the morning, down your drink immediately. Hair of the dog that bit you is a vile hangover remedy, but it will get you through the next few hours. Be sure to brush your teeth well to cover the smell of alcohol on your breath. Once you get to the family reunion, grab the relative closest to your age and start drinking. Then your parents will only think that you got drunk at the family reunion as opposed to realizing you are hung over.

Finally, when you are next on campus, try to revive the Ukrainian Students Club. It does not matter if you are Ukrainian or not, people in that club knew how to drink and you obviously need to build up your alcohol tolerance.