News
Riley Hill and Chris Adams are both disgusting.
Michael Grondin/the Gauntlet

And it all goes to shit

New editors poised to ruin progress made at student newspaper

Publication YearIssue Date 

So it all goes to shit.

The Gauntlet has elected a new editor-in-chief and news editor. The future looks bleak.

While an excellent news editor, Riley Hill is sure to fail as editor-in-chief.

“Just trust me,” he said as he proposed his iron-fisted, totalitarian reforms.

“We’re too soft in this place. I want criticism, criticism, criticism. I want writers begging for my approval, which I will never give. If anyone defies me, they will be punished,” said Hill.

Hill’s punishments include forcing volunteers to spend time out in the cold with him smoking cigarettes listening to his thoughts on life and love. He will have volunteers compete with each other in a Hunger Games style competition to see who gets published. Hill is looking forward to watching volunteers tear each other’s throats out.

“If any civilization is to survive, it is the morality of altruism that men have to reject,” Hill said, quoting his hero, Ayn Rand.

“You know what else I won’t have? Communists. And Liberals. Anything that sounds Red.”

Chris Adams, on the other hand, is a disaster of a human being with an inflated ego and weak sense of character. He suffers from delusions of grandeur, brags about his imaginary girlfriend and refuses to wipe his butt.

“I want sexy dance parties every night,” Adams said. “We’ll report it like real news. They’ll eat it up, the swine.”

After learning of his win, Adams pretended to call his girlfriend. He laughed and said he loved her. The phone was dead.

Adams thinks he can coast through life on his popularity and good looks without doing any work. But everyone is sick of it.

“We’re friends, right?” he asked Hill after drinks at the Den. Hill just glared over his worn copy of Atlas Shrugged.

Volunteers will miss their past editor-in-chief, Susan Anderson, who was known as a kind and graceful ruler.

Both Hill and Adams had nothing but praise for Anderson, their Queen.

“We forever give you our hearts,” Hill and Adams muttered; the two drooling, not bothering to blink. “Like our Lord, we both fear and love you.”

Section: 

Issue: