Academic Probation

B&W: The New Burger Family

Publication YearIssue Date 

Teen-Mother Burger™
This burger is worth dropping out of school for with an extra plump patty nestled like a lump between the buns. As a bonus, every Teen-Mother Burger™ comes with a coupon for a Dream-Killing Mistake Baby Burger™ and offer of a permanent position with our Burger Artists™, valid up to six months down the road.

Dumpster-Baby Burger™
Though not really offered on our menu, this is a term we use to describe the act of picking up an unfinished Baby Burger™ off someone else’s tray in the restaurant. We encourage our patrons to eat others’ half-eaten burgers in order to reduce food waste and help starving children in Africa.

Open-Casket Grandma Burger™
Served with our specially sun-aged meat, this burger allows you to see all that it contains with its open face. Ketchup, relish, weird blue stuff, it’s all there. Staring at you. Comes with its own mushrooms.

Ghost Dad Burger™
With a fun, jiggly side of Jell-O included in every combo, the Ghost Dad Burger™ might just choke you through the phone.

Adopted Ethnic-Baby Burger™
This zesty patty of meat stuck between a couple of whole-wheat buns is, unfortunately, only available to celebrities who don’t intend on finishing it. Unless they’re Woody Allen. Then they finish it in the worst way possible.

Attractive Cousin Burger™
This burger is one of the greatest ever created, but you feel bad about it afterwards. Sure, it might taste good, but it’s only available as a combo with the Flipper-Baby Burger™ and it causes some awkward conversation around the dinner table.

Alcoholic Step-Dad Burger™
If a burger can be described as delightfully gin-soaked, the Alcoholic Step-Dad Burger™ would be it. When you order it, before the server gives it to you, they cheerfully throw it out the window. Scrumptious when combined with the Unwanted Red-Headed Step-Child Burger™ and a basket of our broken homestyle fries.

Misinformed Racist Grandpa Burger™
This burger has stood the test of time, but it feels a little out of place in this fast-paced world of ours. But everyone loves to set the clock back once in a while, and this burger offers a unique side: a broken lighter stolen off a dead Charlie.

“Brah” Burger™
Though we’d never describe a burger as unpopular, sometimes you want to punch this burger right in it’s meaty, sesame-seed pock-marked face. With a popped lettuce ring around the bun and a tomato on top, backwards, this burger likes to party.

War-Vet Grandpa Burger™
For the less hungry, this burger comes with only half a patty, a stale-as-stone bun and some teriyaki sauce which tells a pretty mean story about the ethnics.

Gay Uncle Burger™
As many kinds of spices as you can think of and a ten inch whole pickle make this burger unique and flirty. Delicately fire-charred to give it the air of burnt leather, this burger can also be whipped up and served in a nutty vegetarian format. Fabulous!

Papa’s Mistress (a.k.a. Nanny) Burger™
Salsa and peppers make this southwestern style burger spicy, like a hot, passionate Spanish night. Comes in combination with the Unexplained Half-Hispanic Brother Burger™.

Estranged Brother who is Wanted by the Yakuza Burger™
This burger may have been created in the west, but it has been perfected in the East. Rice and seaweed take the place of the bun. Eat it quickly before the Yakuza makes an example of it with awesome swords.

Drug-Addled Cousin Burger™
Costing more and more each time and having less and less substance, the Drug-Addled Cousin Burger™ is sure to leave you wanting more until you’re willing to harvest your own organs for money.

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