Sports
WES: A menace to society.
Gauntlet file photo

Help stop Montgomery

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Retired Dinos volleyball star Wes Montgomery has to be stopped. He's trying to go a month without sex, masturbation and alcohol and he's halfway through. This can't happen.

Wes thinks he can do it, but Wes has mojo. He has crazy mojo, and frankly, it's up to you to bring it out.

What can you do? If you know Wes, get him out drinking. Wes likes to drink--at least the old Wes did. He needs to get out to the Den again and revisit his old self.

If you're charming and female you need to break him. He thinks he doesn't need the companionship of a woman for a whole month--he's trying to shift the balance of power in his direction. This simply will not do. If you see him, introduce yourself. He's a pretty friendly guy, you can strike up a conversation without a problem. Think of him as the ultimate challenge. He can (and will) be broken.

Our best bet is masturbation. If he's tempted enough, he'll keep thinking about sex. Men think about sex all the time anyway so it can't be too hard to drive him to the breaking point. If you're female, use suggestive language even if you don't have any plans on following up on what you're saying. Think of it as fun. He needs to be taught a lesson he won't soon forget.

The problem is, there is only a few days left and Wes must not be allowed to go a whole month. We're messing with cosmic forces--forces even the Gauntlet can't control. Help out. If you see the man, make sure he loses his bet. Every man needs one of the three everyday and Wes will not ruin this for all of us.

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