Academic Probation

New thing opens on U of C campus

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Students, staff, faculty and alumni gathered today to celebrate the opening of some new thing, whatever it is. Though unforeseen setbacks delayed the opening, senior administration was happy with the project overall.

“We were hoping for a September 2013 opening for the first week of classes, but you know how things always go,” said Bob Ellard, vice-president of facilities management and development.

Elizabeth Cannon, president of the University of Calgary, shared opening remarks.

“Today’s grand opening of the thing brings the University of Calgary one step closer to achieving our vision: to become one of Canada’s top-five research universities, grounded in innovative learning and teaching and fully integrated within the community of Calgary, by our 50th anniversary in 2016,” said Cannon, like she does every time.

Not all in attendance were happy with the development, however. A representative from the University of Calgary Faculty Association was quick to criticize the thing.

“This thing is going to come back to bite us. I think that another thing is way more important than this thing,” said a representative whose name could not be gathered before he stripped naked in protest of the thing, marching up and down the quad yelling, “TENURE! TENURE!” before being escorted out by Campus Security.

The thing was made possible from a generous donation from the benevolent Taylor family.

“What I’m thinkin’ next is, we take out that red arch out front and put a big model of my head that people have to drive through the mouth of to get on campus,” said Don Taylor in his remarks to the crowd.

The Taylor Family thing boasts a new state of the art computer lab for stuff, some sustainability initiatives for other reasons and was designed by some guy from Spain or something.

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