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Kaleem Khan/the Gauntlet

Obama drunk dials Putin

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Amidst what some are calling Cold War level tensions, President of the United States Barack Obama is reported to have drunk dialed President of the Russian Federation, Vladimir Putin.
Following a state dinner and a few nightcaps with vice-president Joe Biden, Obama left Putin an emotional and profanity-laced voicemail at 3:30 a.m. Eastern time.

In what experts are calling “a dick move,” Putin kept the voicemail and has been sharing it with the international community.

“Vlad…bro,” Obama said in the message, “we never just talk anymore. You know, just ta-alk,” the president added while reportedly twisting the phone cord around his finger.

Obama’s mood was unpredictable throughout the message, seeming to go from love to rage to mockery and back in no time at all.

“You fuckin’ tool. I had such big plans for us,” Obama said. “Pu-Pu … can I call you Pu-Pu? Shhh, Joe, shut up. Pu-Pu, is this about the moon, bro? You mad about the moon?”

In nearly every reference to the crisis in Ukraine, Obama wholly disregarded diplomacy and turned to unambiguous threats.

“Oh you think we just got sanctions?” Obama said. “How about I get Kerry to shove the United Nations Charter up your ass? You can Crimea river, bitch.”

The 24-minute voicemail became increasingly bizarre. It went on to insinuate that Putin is unsuccessfully hiding feelings towards Obama and is only acting out as a result of this — a claim that remains unsubstantiated. Obama followed the assertion by making a garbled joke about annexing his “penisula.”

The message also included a plug for the Affordable Care Act, which was followed by several minutes of muffled sobbing.

The recording was uploaded to the web early yesterday morning and has since generated a mixed response, but Republicans and Democrats alike have come to the consensus that President Obama cannot handle his liquor.

“Despite what many think, the President is a dweeb who can’t hold his booze,” Speaker of the House John Boehner said.

Former Speaker Nancy Pelosi fired back at Boehner by formally challenging him to a drinking competition on the House floor.

Though most of the Kremlin’s response has not been made public, Putin did issue a short statement today.

“We have a saying in Russia,” Putin said, “friends don’t let friends drink and dial. It seems President Obama is short of friends.”

Biden is said to have taken exception to not being considered a friend to the president and has locked himself in the situation room until “someone apologizes.”

It is unclear how this gaffe, aptly name dialgate, will affect relations between the East and the West.

At press time, #Pu-Pu was trending on Twitter.

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