Academic Probation
Marta Ligocki/the Gauntlet

Olympic medals to feature shirtless Vladimir Putin

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Many media outlets have dubbed the Sochi Olympics the pride and joy of Russian President Vladimir Putin. This idea has been taken literally as it was recently announced that Russia will be “Putin on the ritz” ­— so to speak.

Rather than bearing the originally planned geometric designs, the awarded Olympic medals from this point onward will show a shirtless image of 61-year-old President Putin. The proposed medal design is described as “representing the timeless and true spirit of the Games — showcasing the president’s noble and ageless silhouette surrounded by hundreds of armed guards, denied human rights, crumbling facilities and mysteriously spent funds.”

“These Olympics are going to be successful, OK?” said a forceful Dmitri Lovshkov, Russian Olympic committee representative. “Putin has said they’re going to be successful, and so they will be. From his KGB history to his countless re-elections that were totally legitimate, Putin has defined Russia for his 14 years in various offices and will continue to do so for a long time. In fact, he is currently researching ways to clone himself so that his stern face will forever rule our land. I can’t think of a better person to represent the kindred spirit of the Olympics.”

Lovshkov hopes that the sudden announcement of the medal change will smooth over the outrage surrounding recent anti-homosexual propaganda laws as well as the various controversies surrounding the condition of Sochi that permeated the first week of the Games.

“Yes I know about all the controversy surrounding various aspects of these Games,” said Lovshkov with a sigh. “And we recognize that they don’t fall in line with what many people of the world see to be basic human rights. Let’s be frank. They completely violate a whole host of fundamental rights. But let’s forget about all the outrage surrounding our recent legislation, or the cost of the Games or any of these so-called problems and instead focus on President Putin’s wonder. That’s what’s most important right now — not fundamental rights.”

It seems no one can contain their assigned enthusiasm.

“I’m excited,” said Russian athlete Yuri Voletsky through bared teeth. “They’ve already spent over $50 billion on these Games so it makes sense to spend more on something that’s obviously important. Since we’ve already hired the maximum amount of security possible, we might as well redecorate the medals. It’s the next logical step. The crumbling infrastructure and human rights issues can wait.”

In response to worries over terrorist threats earlier this year, Putin was cited as claiming that these Games would be “the safest Olympics ever — except for anyone who gets in the way of them going exactly as planned.”

When asked for further comment, Putin’s associates claimed that he was wrestling bears in northern Siberia as means to defend the democracy. They then provided a 100-page photo album detailing Putin’s heroics including images of his judo competitions, paintings, hunting trips and concert events.

In addition to the new medals, it was announced that Putin will be arriving at the closing ceremonies atop a grizzly bear, that he is automatically permitted to compete in any sport he deems fit and that all events will be catered by the canned food company named for him, PuTin, as well as Putinska Vodka.

Next up? A renaming of Sochi to Putingrad is currently in the works.