Academic Probation

Pickup artist successfully ensnares females

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Despite the poor reputation men known as pickup artists (PUAs) have acquired in recent years, it seems that all those hours of approaching and harassing unsuspecting women may finally be paying off. One PUA in particular, Vince DeSantis, is reaping the rewards of these practices.

Third-year engineering major Claire Mitchell reports that she was attending a ladies’ night at Mansion when she was approached by DeSantis.

“I was coming out of the bathroom when he walked up to me,” Mitchell said. “I was all by myself so I guess that made me an easy target.”

Mitchell admits that while she initially had her doubts about DeSantis, he soon changed her mind.

“At first I was put off by his bluntness and back-handed compliments,” Mitchell said, “but then I thought that pointing out another’s flaws is probably just how confident, mentally stable individuals support and encourage each other. I was so grateful to him for preying on my insecurities and making me feel inadequate that I simply had to thank him — by having sex with him.”

Second-year chemistry major Dana Black had a similar experience with DeSantis the evening prior.

“I was initially creeped out by his consistent pestering and harassment,” Black said, “but I soon realized that he was just confident and persistent. And if I’ve learned anything from romantic comedies, it’s that any man who is relentless in his pursuit of women and doesn’t know how to take no for an answer is probably a really good guy deserving of my attention and access to my vagina. I found his unwavering and completely dehumanizing desire to have sex with me with a complete disregard for my personality or constant objections incredibly arousing.”

At the time of our interview, Mitchell expressed her eternal gratitude towards DeSantis.

“All this time I thought I had been wearing short skirts because I feel confident in them,” Mitchell said, “but Vince pointed out that I am subconsciously desperate for male attention and sex. I guess it took a complete stranger telling me who I am and what my intentions are for me to realize it for myself.”

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