Academic Probation

Superhero emerges on U of C campus

Gauntlet AP

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It’s a bird. It’s a plane. Nope, it’s Metro Man.

With the power to withstand cold in a single jacket, this enigmatic superbeing stands atop his perch at the stairs of the University LRT station. It is his concrete fortress, his vantage point from which he surveys all.

Said to originate from the distant planet Metropolis, legend states that Metro Man was sent to Earth to ensure that students were well read in current events. His efforts to blend in as a simple man handing out newspapers have apparently not fooled the student body, who appear to see through his disguise.

“We all know he’s a superhero,” said second-year linguistics student Sylvia Buttersworth. “One time when I was walking to the train station, my Uggs lost traction and I slipped on those icy steps. Out of nowhere, an arm reached out and grabbed me. Metro Man had come to my rescue. He didn’t even drop any of his copies of Metro.”
Metro Man’s distribution superpowers have led to a surge of newspaper reading by U of C students.

“I used to just play Candy Crush on my iPhone when I took the train home,” said third-year business student Chad Johnson. “But now, Metro Man has rejuvenated my passion for reading the local news.”

It is unknown for how long Metro Man will continue to dish out newspapers to U of C students. But for now, you can take comfort in knowing that if you are ever struck with the urge to read the news, Metro Man will be there, with a newspaper and a smile.

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