HUMOUR_BlurryLaptopLecture_MariahWilson-3218
Photo by Mariah Wilson

Student drops out, moves overseas after laptop blares porn during lecture

By Joie Atejira, November 3 2017 — 

Only a few weeks after a scandalous incident at the University of Calgary in which a student’s laptop started blasting porn during a lecture, it has been confirmed that the disgraced student has dropped out and moved to Amsterdam. The traumatic incident occurred on Oct. 2 in a BIOL 371 lecture and left all 400 of the class’s students traumatized through secondhand embarrassment. The lecture was subsequently cancelled.

The student, known only as Calvin, hasn’t shown up to that class — or any other class — since the traumatic incident. He also hasn’t also updated any of his social media accounts. U of C administration reports that the student withdrew from his classes just hours after the event.

Two students most notably disturbed by this incident, Camilla Marquez and Jane Stewart — who sat opposite sides of Calvin — sorrowfully recounted the fateful day.

“He put his headphones on, but he must have forgotten to plug them into his laptop,” Marquez recalled. “We then immediately heard the suspicious sounds.”

Aside from having their peripheral vision scarred by a high-definition PornHub video, Marquez and Stewart heard the orgasms with the most clarity.

“Dr. Gale was so into talking about seed dispersal before loud moaning and thrusting sounds interrupted him,” Stewart said, disgusted at how vivid the memory still is. “It took Calvin at least 10 seconds to realize why everyone’s heads turned to him.”

Calvin then ran out of the class as fast as he could. Steward said it was the greatest walk of shame in the school’s history.

The incident has spurred a cult following of Calvin among some students. His shameful public pornographic consumption has been immortalized through countless tweets and Snapchats, adding a new chapter to U of C lore.

“He’s an icon,” first-year Haskayne student Seymour Banks declared. “Calvin is a symbol for public porn-viewing liberation.”

Calvin and his parents refused to comment on the incident, but sources say that he has migrated overseas. Thomas Hendricks, one of his closest friends, said the move has been positive for Calvin.

“Amsterdam is a wicked place for him to be in right now,” Hendricks said. “He’s planning to continue his degree online through Athabasca, where he can now watch all the porn he wants while attending classes.”

Course instructors are now considering whether to mention that “porn-viewing is strictly prohibited” in their syllabi.

 

This article is part of our humour section.

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