By Derek Baker, April 18 2018 —
Second-year biological sciences student Todd Turner made a bold move this morning on his way to his organic chemistry final in the Energy, Environment and Experiential Learning (EEEL) building. Though he normally crosses the road from ICT to EEEL carefully, this time, he made an active effort not to look both ways for incoming cars.
“I just thought to myself, ‘If I get hit by a car, that’s just the world’s way of telling me that I shouldn’t have to write my o-chem final,’ ” Turner said, still visibly shaken from the aforementioned test that he just finished writing. “I have no idea what’s going on in this class and was not at all prepared for the test.”
Despite the distressing nature of his desire to be hit by a car, Turner claimed the moment he stood at the curb, was his only true moment of clarity the entire semester.
“I didn’t want to be hit too hard, just hard enough that it would be a valid excuse to defer the final or something,” Turner said. “We’re talking about maybe a broken wrist or bruised shoulder. Nothing too bad.”
Contrary to his purportedly calm demeanor, those who observered Turner while he crossed the road described a different scene.
“Todd and I were walking to our final together, when all of a sudden he just stopped in the middle of the road,” said Heather Hope, a good friend of Turner. “He then faced the oncoming traffic and started shouting, “Come at me! C’mon, hit me!’ ”
Other onlookers said that they heard Turner proclaim, “Just fucking hit me already,” “I am $30,000 in debt and need the lawsuit money” and “who the hell still drives a Saturn?!” after a car manoeuvred around him. Turner denies any of this happened.
“What type of crazy person would do such a thing?” Turner said while hiding a ‘Caution: Wet Floor’ sign around the corner, ready to ‘accidentally slip’ on the ‘unmarked freshly mopped floor.’
“Sure, I might have a little bit of student debt, but I’m capable of finding much more innovative ways of paying it back than car insurance fraud.”
This is not the first time Turner has tried to get out of writing an exam through unconventional means. Last semester, Turner reportedly brought two pecans, which he is deathly allergic to, in a small ziplock bag to his BIOL 311 final. He said he planned on eating them if things weren’t going well, then jab himself with an EpiPen to hopefully get out of writing that exam, too.
Despite his most creative efforts, Turner still only scored 43 per cent on his organic chemistry final. He must now retake the class in the summer.
This article is part of our humour section.