By Devin Aggarwal, January 9 2018 —
Only a few days into the new semester, the University of Calgary has already been shaken by a student’s disappearance. Colin Maxwell, a second-year Haskayne student, was last seen at a New Year’s Eve party, drinking himself into oblivion.
Maxwell’s friends reported that during his few moments of clarity, he complained that he was “never going to escape the icy grip of 2017” and that he might as well enjoy himself.
“Colin’s been really weird all year,” said Jacqueline Faith, a close friend of Maxwell. “He was able to predict word-for-word what I was going to say when I rejected him on Valentine’s Day. In March, he was unsurprised when he got pantsed in MacHall. He also always knew what was going to be on the menu at the Dining Centre — not that that’s much of an accomplishment.”
Faith added that at the New Year’s Eve party, Maxwell fell down the stairs into the basement just as the clock struck midnight, disappearing from the face of the earth.
Following an investigation, police concluded that Maxwell is likely trapped in a time loop, doomed to relive his worst moments of 2017 over and over. These events include his somewhat ironic two-day marathon of Groundhog Day and answering all of his exam long-answer questions with “#YOLO. Yeeeahh buddy!”
“It certainly explains a lot,” remarked [REDACTED], Canadian Security Intelligence Service director. “We had him on a class-nine watch list, as he knew about every terrorist attack before it happened.”
Anyone with information regarding the whereabouts of Maxwell is asked to contact the RCMP, as he is considered dangerous to the public and himself — no one could withstand experiencing the mess that was 2017 again without turning into a nervous wreck.
This article is part of our humour section.