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Justin Quaintance

Students to power U of C campus by literally Energizing Eyes High in giant hamster wheels

By Derek Baker, September 27 2016 —

Last week, the University of Calgary introduced Energize Eyes High as its strategic motto for the upcoming five years. However, the term “energize” might have a different intention than initially believed.

Citing a recent increase in demand for electricity, the U of C will now generate additional power by having students run on giant hamster wheels. The hamster wheels are attached to a generator, providing electricity for the entire campus.

“In order for our eyes to be set high, we must have sufficient and sustainable electricity to power our facilities,” U of C president Elizabeth Cannon said. “I don’t know why we didn’t think of this sooner. We already gouge students out of thousands of dollars in tuition. This was the next logical step.”

Students chosen to run the wheel are selected throughout campus. Individuals who walk too slowly in large groups, walk on the wrong side of the stairs or abruptly stop in the middle of hallways are more likely to be taken.

“All of a sudden, someone threw a bag over my head and I was knocked out,” second-year engineering student Seth Stevens said. “When I woke up, I was locked inside this metal contraption in a dimly lit room and told to run like my GPA depended on it.”

Though the ethicality of forcing students to run on the hamster wheels is questionable, plan organizer Larry Lewis assures that the process remains completely legal.

“Of course, we don’t make students run for too long at a time — that would be cruel and unusual,” Lewis said, running his hands over an intimidating-looking whip. “A complex systemized schedule of on-time and recovery periods rotates students through seven hour shifts with 10-minute breaks throughout the week — which is, in my opinion, completely reasonable.”

Switching to a human source of power is not without logistical issues. Lewis said there are a few kinks organizers are still trying to work out.

“Whenever you see the projectors spontaneously dim or even completely shut off, that’s usually when we’re changing our runners,” Lewis said. “We’re still trying to work on making the transfers as efficient as possible, but for some reason, some students seem reluctant to get onto the wheels.”

Lewis believes the larger demand for power around campus can be attributed to the recent increase in construction of modern buildings.

“Sure, the Taylor Institute for Teaching and Learning is literally the best thing to happen to this campus since we were the top North American university under 50 years, but damn, that sucker requires a lot of juice,” Lewis said. “And that new shiny engineering complex needs a little bit more than a nine-volt battery to run, too.”

The buzzword “sustainability” is often mentioned in speeches without any real substantial backing. However, with the implementation of the hamster wheel system, administration believes they have achieved perfect sustainability.

“Not only are we sustaining the environment, we are also sustaining our bank accounts,” Lewis said. “Talk about a synergistic solution.”

“The concept is flawlessly sustainable. Literally nothing can go wrong,” Cannon said. “The ‘Eyes High’ strategy is literally the most sustainable thing in the world if we all pitch in together.”

 

This article is part of our humour section.

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