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Louie Villanueva

Students’ Union candidate actually Elizabeth Cannon in a bad disguise

By Melanie Woods, February 23 2016 —

The annual Students’ Union election was overcome with scandal this week after officials discovered that one of the vice-president student life candidates was actually university president Elizabeth Cannon in disguise.

Cannon was discovered beneath a pair of glasses with a fake nose and moustache at a forum on Tuesday when a student asked how she would keep administration in check.

“I’ve consulted with various community stakeholders and I believe we are doing a bang-up job,” Cannon said.

Until this point, Cannon had been campaigning as “Maggie Canton” on a platform of protecting the student experience, courting corporate investors and returning the SU to a state of constant fear of administration’s power.

“If elected, I will ensure that the SU does what’s best for everyone on campus, not just students,” her platform read.

In keeping with the SU tradition of wacky campaigns, Cannon themed her campaign around the hit Drake song “Hotline Bling.”

“You know when that hotline bling, it can only mean one thing  — the current SU executive does not understand the magnitude of running MacHall and it is best handled by administration,” her posters said.

Like many candidates, Cannon attempted to incorporate a completely irrelevant theme into her actual platform.

“Students have started respecting administration less and doubting more, asking intrusive questions on the town hall floor, not lifting thine eyes like they had before,” Cannon’s platform read.

Many students are surprised the SU didn’t discover Cannon sooner.

“She was literally the embodiment of that Steve Buschemi ‘Hello fellow kids’ meme,” third-year political science student Fred Mason said. “Honestly, she was carrying a skateboard around at one point.”

Mason said he usually thinks SU elections are pointless, but Cannon at least perked his interest.

“Are we actually voting for people on their leadership qualities or just their Star Wars-themed posters?” he said. “At least she knows how to pull off a power suit. And damn, “Hotline Bling” is catchy.”

SU officials expressed disappointment in Cannon slipping through the gaps in policy.

“We really should’ve noticed,” returning officer James Spenner said. “I mean, she kept talking about ‘investor interests’ and the ‘student experience.’ Students don’t actually care about the student experience as a concept — they care about MegaDen and Pizza Days.”

Stenner said Cannon’s platform also stood apart from the other candidates’.

“She didn’t once mention a themed room, unneeded study space app or plans to overthrow administration with her powers as vice-president student life,” Stenner said.

An independent review board immediately cleared Cannon of any wrongdoing.

This article is part of our humour section.

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