Melanie Bethune

SU to host orgy for students in MacHall

By Melanie Bethune, February 5 2015 —

In addition to the usual workshops offered during Sex Week, the University of Calgary Students’ Union will host a communal orgy for all students and faculty. Officially called the “MacHall Bacchanal Sex Ball,” the event will be hosted in the MacHall courtyard next Tuesday at 4 p.m.

“Students will be finishing up classes for the day and they’ll be ready to unwind,” head organizer Jenny Altman said. “We thought for a long time, crunched some numbers and figured out the best time for the event in order to achieve peak arousal.”

The event, held at Sex Week’s climax, will see students and staff alike come out to partake in the raw, animalistic grinding and banging.

“Give in to your primal, sensual urges,” the event description reads, “and bask in the flesh of your student body.”

The organizing committee bought hundreds of dildos, vibrators, clitoral massagers and other sex toys of various shapes and sizes. They plan to make use of the untouched basket of condoms sitting at the SU information centre desk.

“Don’t worry, we are endorsing 100 per cent safe sex,” SU president Jarett Henry said. “We are taking every measure possible to ensure that students have a safe and fun time while they writhe in the sweaty musk of courtship.”

Organizers said there will be three slip n’ slides coated in raspberry lube running through the food court, as well as swings and silken scarves hung from the upper balconies. The infamous bubble-wrap dance-floor from Stress Less Week is also rumoured to make an appearance. Large swatches of black velvet will be hung in front of every window to set the mood.

“We’re also keeping the cotton candy from the Sex Week carnival around just for this,” Henry said. “Because nothing gets people hornier than cotton candy licked off of a writhing naked body under the bright mirrored ceiling of MacHall.”

The orgy will include the non-stop repetition of R Kelly’s “Bump n’ Grind” over the intercom and a disco ball.

All leather couches in MacHall will be pulled together to form what the organizing committee calls a “giant leather sex bed.”

“We really want everyone to have the option to choose a variety of comfort levels,” Altman said. “From the floor to the stairs to the couches — it’s totally up to whatever students want.”

The Clubs Space will be sectioned off for individuals looking for a greater sense of intimacy. Henry still encourages students to indulge in the sexual collective experience.

“You and your partner might want to step away from the main group,” he said, “but you’ll be missing out on the fun of meeting and interacting with new people. You can have sex with one person anytime, but when else are you going to get the chance to share your intimate sexual desires with the entire student populace and maybe even your professors? This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.”

As for funding, SU executives claim that they’ve had money set aside in the budget for a giant orgy all year long.

“We’re spending $11,000 less on the Get Out the Vote campaign this year,” vice-president external Levi Nilson said. “And all of those dollar bills are going straight to this rad sexfest.”

Altman said there will be prizes for the best positions as well as for most creative intercourse.

“We’ll be giving away MacHall vouchers and Dinos swag all night long!” she said. “And if you really bring your A-game, your bizarre sexual exploits might even win you a year’s tuition!”

Henry is encouraging students to liveblog and tweet throughout the event with the hashtag “#UofCmen.”

“Don’t forget to post your sex-time selfies!” Henry said. “Let’s get it trending worldwide!”

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