Super Bowl 50 horoscopes

By Melanie Woods, February 2 2016 —

Aquarius 

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

You will miss the train, go grab a coffee and then just barely miss the next train. This must be what Cleveland Browns fans feel like on draft day.

 Pisces 

(Feb. 19 – March 20)

You will be invited to play in the Pro Bowl after literally every player and possible substitute bows out due to “injury.” You’ll be horribly maimed.

Aries 

(March 21 – April 19)

After going on one of San Francisco 49ers coach Chip Kelly’s juice cleanses, you will find yourself returned to a pure, primordial, single-cell state.

Taurus 

(April 20 – May 20)

Houston Texans defensive end J.J. Watt will give you a bear hug and crush every bone in your body.

Gemini 

(May 21 – June 20)

After making it big as an NFL kicker, you will be responsible for kicking the game-winning field goal in the championship game and miss. No human will speak to you ever again.

Cancer 

(June 21 – July 22)

After binge-watching all of Friday Night Lights, you will be compelled to enrol your future children in a high school football program in Texas to build character. They will all suffer crippling concussions within a month.

Leo 

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

You will be recruited to gently dab ice-packs on Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning’s neck in between plays while he repeatedly says, “just make it to one more Omaha, Peyton.”

Virgo 

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton will hand you a football after scoring the game-winning touchdown. You will begin dabbing uncontrollably.

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

You will hear a tap on your window late one night. It’s former NFL quarterback Tim Tebow, here to warn you of the impending apocalypse.

Scorpio 

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick will cast a dark spell on you.

Sagittarius 

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

A relative will gift you tickets to the Super Bowl. However, you will realize this Super Bowl is actually a local bowling tournament between the High Bowlers and Magic Strike XXL.

Capricorn 

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

While watching the big game at a local bar, you will be challenged to a wing eating contest. Hundreds of wingless chickens will haunt your dreams.