Kaleem Khan
Kaleem Khan

Supplement your midterm stress with future stress

By Gheenl Miguel, November 3 2015 —

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

The planetary alignment of Venus and Mars will impact transportation around the world this week. Be extra cautious of roller blades, hot dog stands and hamster balls.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

You will find that your pockets are suddenly toasters for some inexplicable reason. All your friends will have fun toasting assorted breads in your pocket — until you reach to grab your student ID and realize that it’s delicious and nutritious whole wheat.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

A scandalously dressed wizard will hand you a glitter chicken. You will raise this glitter chicken as one of your own, watch it grow and eventually die. In loving memory of Glitter Chicken 2015 – 2015.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

You will find 18 vouchers for free handbells. Your white cotton gloves will finally come in handy as you prepare to play “Eye of the Tiger” on your new shiny handbells.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

You will wake up one morning and notice that all your clothes have turned into nuts. This will not bother you as you put on your shirt, pants and ca-shoes.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

After getting caught with nine items in the eight items or less checkout, a trap door will open and you will find yourself in a death-match against a well constructed balloon elephant.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Twenty minutes into Netflix and chill, your movie will turn into a never ending Game of War advertisement. However, instead of Kate Upton, it will be Dog the Bounty Hunter standing in a flowing white tunic that exposes just enough leg.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

It’s a time to be adventurous, so you will soon find yourself jousting a drunk giraffe for no apparent reason.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will soon receive an abundance of toe rings. Be ready to rock those bedazzled piggies in a fresh pair of glow in the dark Crocs®.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

Several gummy bears will throw you a surprise party. However, after reading about your surprise party in a horoscope, the element of surprise will have disappeared entirely.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

You will spend the next three weeks locked in Costco, frolicking amongst the majestic and bountiful aisles of glorious bulk products and surviving off the free samples.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

You’re feeling wild tonight! You and your friends will go to the movie theatre and buy a bag of popcorn without watching a movie! So wild!

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