Tagged astrology

Very real astrological predictions

By Matty Hume, February 28 2018 — Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20) Ahh, the fish month. You’ll be the first person on earth to actually buy a Filet-O-Fish from McDonald’s. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Ram rhymes with ham. Ham comes from pigs. I think you’re gonna get a pet pig this month….

What does your astrological animal say about your week?

By Derek Baker, November 27 2017 — Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) You have been blessed with a horse-like feature. Unfortunately, it’s your face.   Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) What animal even is your sign? Some sort of whale-antelope hybrid? Cool. Your sign signifies how angsty and misunderstood you will feel this week….

What every sign should do this Scorpio season

By Joie Atejira, October 24 2017 —   Scorpio  (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) It’s your time of the year! We all know you’re going to start wearing less and going out more — just don’t start stripping in class. Sagittarius  (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) You’ll be stuck taking care of a drunk Scorpio…

What will happen to you this week during lecture?

By Derek Baker, September 11 2017 — Virgo  (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) In an effort to appear “hip” and “with it,” your professor’s PowerPoint notes will be filled exclusively with emojis and text speak. The mitochondria is the 💡🏠 of the 📱, LOL. Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) You’ll feel the need to play…

What does your May long weekend have in store?

By Derek Baker, May 17 2016 —  Taurus  (April 20 – May 20) You will reignite Alberta’s economy when you spend an unimaginable amount of money at the Banff candy store, despite promising yourself you’d only purchase a single block of fudge. Gemini  (May 21 – June 20) While roasting a marshmallow over a campfire,…

Very serious horoscopes: love edition

By Dawn Muenchrath, February 12 2015 — Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) If the sorry state of your love life has left you feeling disheartened, consider taking a long walk this evening to do some serious reflection. When you look towards the heavens, you might just realize that, yes, your heart is indeed as…

Very serious horoscopes

By Melanie Bethune, February 5 2015 — Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) You will soon discover that strip Settlers of Catan is a real thing and within 24 hours you’ll be naked in your office attempting to barter three ore and two wheat for the right to put your shirt back on. Pisces (Feb….

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