Tagged horoscopes

We forecast your future involves snow

By Danielle Leong, November 7 2017 —   Scorpio  (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) You will fall through a mysterious opening in the snow and enter a majestic underground tunnel that leads to the North Pole. Unfortunately, you’ll take a wrong turn and end up in your next lecture.   Sagittarius  (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) After…

Your future looks very, very cold

By Derek Baker, October 31 2017 —   Scorpio  (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) A Christmas song will play on the radio this week. You will deliberately crash your car to make it stop.   Sagittarius  (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) It will be so cold out that your hand will stick to the metal…

What every sign should do this Scorpio season

By Joie Atejira, October 24 2017 —   Scorpio  (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) It’s your time of the year! We all know you’re going to start wearing less and going out more — just don’t start stripping in class. Sagittarius  (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) You’ll be stuck taking care of a drunk Scorpio…

Your horoscope will determine why you’re going to cry next

By Tanvi Sankar and Grace Stone, October 18 2017 —   Libra  (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) You’ll get no sleep the night before an 8 a.m. lecture and the line for Tim Hortons will be larger than the bags under your eyes.   Scorpio  (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) You pulled an all-nighter studying,…

Your future is technologic

By Derek Baker, October 10 2017 — Libra  (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) Your professor will spend the majority of every single lecture trying to get the computer to hook up to the projector. You paid $500 for this.   Scorpio  (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) You will make the ill-advised decision to add members…

Your last few months of 2017 will have a plot twist

By Joie Atejira, October 3 2017 —   Libra  (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) Though you’re not a fan of horror movies or clowns, an impromptu viewing of the new It film will stir a clown fetish deep inside of you. The red nose and big shoes really get you going.   Scorpio  (Oct. 23…

Your future is spicier than a pumpkin latte

By Derek Baker, September 26 2017 —    Libra  (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) You will stumble upon a neon green pumpkin at the store and bring it home to make pumpkin pie. This pumpkin was radioactive and you now have the ability to breathe fire. Sweet.   Scorpio  (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) You will…

Your future involves you joining a school club

By Tanvi Sankar and Grace Guest Stone, September 18 2017 —   Virgo: Fighting Game Club (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) Easy-going and reserved, you’ve always wanted the superpower to be invisible. Kinda like John Cena, who nobody can see. I’d want to be invisible too if I had been in Fred: The Movie and Fred…

What will happen to you this week during lecture?

By Derek Baker, September 11 2017 — Virgo  (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) In an effort to appear “hip” and “with it,” your professor’s PowerPoint notes will be filled exclusively with emojis and text speak. The mitochondria is the 💡🏠 of the 📱, LOL. Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) You’ll feel the need to play…

Your future is the first week of a new semester

By Derek Baker, September 7 2017 — Virgo  (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) In an effort to save money when buying food on campus, you will start eating your Tim Hortons cup after finishing whatever caffeinated drink was in it. Ignore the weird stares you get — a little extra fibre never hurts. Libra (Sept. 23 –…

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