Tagged horoscopes

Our horoscopes predict what your summer has in store

By Derek Baker, April 26 2018 — Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You will be that idiot who doesn’t clean up their campsite, attracting a crowd of bears with the food you left around. They will eat all of your graham crackers, your tent and even your car. Better learn to be more bear…

What mishap will befall you on Bermuda Shorts Day?

By Frankie Hart, April 12 2017 — Aries (March 21 – April 19) A peer will throw up on your shirt. If the resulting shape resembles a heart, it’s a good sign for your love life. If it’s a dollar sign, financial success is on the way. If it’s a skull, throw that shirt out…

Very accurate astrological predictions for your final assignment

By Derek Baker, April 3 2018 — Aries (March 21 – April 19) After scrambling to finish an assignment late into the night before it’s due, you’ll forget it on the printer tray while packing up the next morning, causing you to still get a late penalty anyway.   Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Your professor…

The stars foretell your midterm season in these horoscopes

By Joie Atejira, March 6 2018 — Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20) Asking for everyone’s notes and frantically searching Wikipedia for answers won’t help you prepare for your discussion-based class — only prayers can now. Bless up.   Aries (March 21 – April 19) It’s important to remember that you invited these people for a group-study session and…

Very real astrological predictions

By Matty Hume, February 28 2018 — Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20) Ahh, the fish month. You’ll be the first person on earth to actually buy a Filet-O-Fish from McDonald’s. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Ram rhymes with ham. Ham comes from pigs. I think you’re gonna get a pet pig this month….

Where will you be on Valentine’s Day? Our horoscopes know!

By Frankie Hart, February 14 2018 — Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) Upon realizing all of your female friends actually have a Valentine, you will spend “Galentine’s Day” with your favourite cat. Paws before bras. Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20) Since there are only a few more days until Reading Week, you’ll decide…

Your future looks to be a very, very sexy time

By Tina Shaygan, February 7, 2018 — Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) Your partner, who has already broken up with you 25 times, will break up with you again, making it the least shocking thing to happen this month. You shouldn’t need this horoscope — everyone told you this would happen. Pisces (Feb. 19…

Horoscopes for the weary commuter

By Jill Girgulis, January 26 2018 —   Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) Your New Year’s resolution was to get in shape. Luckily, you live just across the street from the U of C bus loop, so you vow to walk to all your classes this semester. Too bad you’re a Mount Royal student.  …

Our horoscopes predict your New Year’s resolution

By Derek Baker, January 8 2017 — Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) You’ll purchase a gym membership that comes with a challenge to do 20 classes within the month. You’ll procrastinate all month but managed to complete the challenge, squeezing in 18 sessions on Jan. 31.    Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) This winter…

Your future involves you taking a winter vacation

By Derek Baker, December 4 2017 —   Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) While on an Alaskan cruise, you’ll break into the ship’s cockpit and play “My Heart Will Go On” over the intercom. The crew won’t find this funny, promptly throwing you off the back of the boat. No penny whistle solo will…

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