Tagged horoscopes

Your future involves you joining a school club

By Tanvi Sankar and Grace Guest Stone, September 18 2017 —   Virgo: Fighting Game Club (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) Easy-going and reserved, you’ve always wanted the superpower to be invisible. Kinda like John Cena, who nobody can see. I’d want to be invisible too if I had been in Fred: The Movie and Fred…

What will happen to you this week during lecture?

By Derek Baker, September 11 2017 — Virgo  (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) In an effort to appear “hip” and “with it,” your professor’s PowerPoint notes will be filled exclusively with emojis and text speak. The mitochondria is the 💡🏠 of the 📱, LOL. Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) You’ll feel the need to play…

Your future is the first week of a new semester

By Derek Baker, September 7 2017 — Virgo  (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) In an effort to save money when buying food on campus, you will start eating your Tim Hortons cup after finishing whatever caffeinated drink was in it. Ignore the weird stares you get — a little extra fibre never hurts. Libra (Sept. 23 –…

Your future is a sweltering hot summer day

By Derek Baker, April 27 2017 — Aries  (March 21 – April 19) Since every day is summer during your summer class, the whole class will break out in song, singing High School Musical 2’s “What Time Is It,” at the end of each lecture. It’s a vacation! Taurus  (April 20 – May 20) A…

Get lit with our BSD horoscopes

By Derek Baker, April 6 2017 — Aries  (March 21 – April 19) While dancing in the crowd during Bermuda Shorts Day, you will transcend the mortal grips of  the earth and have an out-of-body experience — it’s all downhill from here. Taurus  (April 20 – May 20) Confused about the concept of BSD, you…

Spring into your future with these very real horoscopes

By Grant Jackson, March 21 2017 — Aries  (March 21 – April 19) Spring is here and that means it’s appropriate to wear shorts. But please, for the love of all things holy, wear nice khaki shorts. Keep those board shorts at home. Taurus  (April 20 – May 20) Your future is so bright that…

Your future is dull with your new Students’ Union representatives

By Drew Thomas, March 7 2017 — Pisces  (Feb. 19 – March 20) You will soon come into a plethora of free food from SU gimmicks. Also, your new SU rep will do absolutely nothing to affect your day-to-day life. But hey — free pizza. Aries  (March 21 – April 19) The dead-eyed, ever unblinking…

Your future is desperate

By Jill Girgulis, February 7 2017 —   Aquarius  (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) Cupid will pay you a visit on Feb. 14, take one look at your current state of existence, shake his head and say “ehh, better not.” Pisces  (Feb. 19 – March 20)  In preparation for your anatomy midterm, you will spend all…

Your future looks very sexy

By Tina Shaygan, January 31 2017 — Aquarius  (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) You will pop your hip out trying a new sex position you read about in Cosmopolitan. Turns out, having sex upside down with chocolate sauce spread over your body requires athletic ability you do not possess. Pisces  (Feb. 19 – March 20) …

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