Tagged horoscopes

Where will you be on Valentine’s Day? Our horoscopes know!

By Frankie Hart, February 14 2018 — Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) Upon realizing all of your female friends actually have a Valentine, you will spend “Galentine’s Day” with your favourite cat. Paws before bras. Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20) Since there are only a few more days until Reading Week, you’ll decide…

Your future looks to be a very, very sexy time

By Tina Shaygan, February 7, 2018 — Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) Your partner, who has already broken up with you 25 times, will break up with you again, making it the least shocking thing to happen this month. You shouldn’t need this horoscope — everyone told you this would happen. Pisces (Feb. 19…

Horoscopes for the weary commuter

By Jill Girgulis, January 26 2018 —   Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) Your New Year’s resolution was to get in shape. Luckily, you live just across the street from the U of C bus loop, so you vow to walk to all your classes this semester. Too bad you’re a Mount Royal student.  …

Our horoscopes predict your New Year’s resolution

By Derek Baker, January 8 2017 — Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) You’ll purchase a gym membership that comes with a challenge to do 20 classes within the month. You’ll procrastinate all month but managed to complete the challenge, squeezing in 18 sessions on Jan. 31.    Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) This winter…

Your future involves you taking a winter vacation

By Derek Baker, December 4 2017 —   Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) While on an Alaskan cruise, you’ll break into the ship’s cockpit and play “My Heart Will Go On” over the intercom. The crew won’t find this funny, promptly throwing you off the back of the boat. No penny whistle solo will…

What does your astrological animal say about your week?

By Derek Baker, November 27 2017 — Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) You have been blessed with a horse-like feature. Unfortunately, it’s your face.   Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) What animal even is your sign? Some sort of whale-antelope hybrid? Cool. Your sign signifies how angsty and misunderstood you will feel this week….

How will you get by this finals season?

By Usman Zia, November 23 2017 — Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) You want to take a few exam prep courses, but can’t stand the thought of losing a couple hundred bucks from your study snacks budget. Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) You’ll join a study group in an effort to have some fun…

We forecast your future involves snow

By Danielle Leong, November 7 2017 —   Scorpio  (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) You will fall through a mysterious opening in the snow and enter a majestic underground tunnel that leads to the North Pole. Unfortunately, you’ll take a wrong turn and end up in your next lecture.   Sagittarius  (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) After…

Your future looks very, very cold

By Derek Baker, October 31 2017 —   Scorpio  (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) A Christmas song will play on the radio this week. You will deliberately crash your car to make it stop.   Sagittarius  (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) It will be so cold out that your hand will stick to the metal…

What every sign should do this Scorpio season

By Joie Atejira, October 24 2017 —   Scorpio  (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) It’s your time of the year! We all know you’re going to start wearing less and going out more — just don’t start stripping in class. Sagittarius  (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) You’ll be stuck taking care of a drunk Scorpio…

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