Tagged horoscopes

Your horoscope will determine why you’re going to cry next

By Tanvi Sankar and Grace Stone, October 18 2017 —   Libra  (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) You’ll get no sleep the night before an 8 a.m. lecture and the line for Tim Hortons will be larger than the bags under your eyes.   Scorpio  (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) You pulled an all-nighter studying,…

Your future is technologic

By Derek Baker, October 10 2017 — Libra  (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) Your professor will spend the majority of every single lecture trying to get the computer to hook up to the projector. You paid $500 for this.   Scorpio  (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) You will make the ill-advised decision to add members…

Your last few months of 2017 will have a plot twist

By Joie Atejira, October 3 2017 —   Libra  (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) Though you’re not a fan of horror movies or clowns, an impromptu viewing of the new It film will stir a clown fetish deep inside of you. The red nose and big shoes really get you going.   Scorpio  (Oct. 23…

Your future is spicier than a pumpkin latte

By Derek Baker, September 26 2017 —    Libra  (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) You will stumble upon a neon green pumpkin at the store and bring it home to make pumpkin pie. This pumpkin was radioactive and you now have the ability to breathe fire. Sweet.   Scorpio  (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) You will…

Your future involves you joining a school club

By Tanvi Sankar and Grace Guest Stone, September 18 2017 —   Virgo: Fighting Game Club (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) Easy-going and reserved, you’ve always wanted the superpower to be invisible. Kinda like John Cena, who nobody can see. I’d want to be invisible too if I had been in Fred: The Movie and Fred…

What will happen to you this week during lecture?

By Derek Baker, September 11 2017 — Virgo  (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) In an effort to appear “hip” and “with it,” your professor’s PowerPoint notes will be filled exclusively with emojis and text speak. The mitochondria is the 💡🏠 of the 📱, LOL. Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) You’ll feel the need to play…

Your future is the first week of a new semester

By Derek Baker, September 7 2017 — Virgo  (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) In an effort to save money when buying food on campus, you will start eating your Tim Hortons cup after finishing whatever caffeinated drink was in it. Ignore the weird stares you get — a little extra fibre never hurts. Libra (Sept. 23 –…

Your future is a sweltering hot summer day

By Derek Baker, April 27 2017 — Aries  (March 21 – April 19) Since every day is summer during your summer class, the whole class will break out in song, singing High School Musical 2’s “What Time Is It,” at the end of each lecture. It’s a vacation! Taurus  (April 20 – May 20) A…

Get lit with our BSD horoscopes

By Derek Baker, April 6 2017 — Aries  (March 21 – April 19) While dancing in the crowd during Bermuda Shorts Day, you will transcend the mortal grips of  the earth and have an out-of-body experience — it’s all downhill from here. Taurus  (April 20 – May 20) Confused about the concept of BSD, you…

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