Tagged horoscopes

Spring into your future with these very real horoscopes

By Grant Jackson, March 21 2017 — Aries  (March 21 – April 19) Spring is here and that means it’s appropriate to wear shorts. But please, for the love of all things holy, wear nice khaki shorts. Keep those board shorts at home. Taurus  (April 20 – May 20) Your future is so bright that…

Your future is dull with your new Students’ Union representatives

By Drew Thomas, March 7 2017 — Pisces  (Feb. 19 – March 20) You will soon come into a plethora of free food from SU gimmicks. Also, your new SU rep will do absolutely nothing to affect your day-to-day life. But hey — free pizza. Aries  (March 21 – April 19) The dead-eyed, ever unblinking…

Your future is desperate

By Jill Girgulis, February 7 2017 —   Aquarius  (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) Cupid will pay you a visit on Feb. 14, take one look at your current state of existence, shake his head and say “ehh, better not.” Pisces  (Feb. 19 – March 20)  In preparation for your anatomy midterm, you will spend all…

Your future looks very sexy

By Tina Shaygan, January 31 2017 — Aquarius  (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) You will pop your hip out trying a new sex position you read about in Cosmopolitan. Turns out, having sex upside down with chocolate sauce spread over your body requires athletic ability you do not possess. Pisces  (Feb. 19 – March 20) …

The sun will come out tomorrow and so will your future with these horoscopes

By Derek Baker, January 24 2017 —   Aquarius  (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) After hitting snooze on your phone’s alarm for the seventh time in a row, Siri will make a snide comment, saying that you will amount to nothing in your life. Pisces  (Feb. 19 – March 20)  You will watch your roommate unblinkingly brush…

Will 2017 be as crappy as 2016 was? The stars know!

By Derek Baker, January 10 2017 —   Capricorn  (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) Deciding to eat healthier this year, you will find a way to incorporate kale into every meal. Unfortunately, kale is the most garbage-tasting edible leaf and your taste buds will no longer work properly after a week and a half of your new…

These horoscopes predict your future is for the birds

By Derek Baker, November 22 2016 — Sagittarius  (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) Upon receiving word that there is a family of Canadian geese on the path you use to walk to school, your commute will become 30 minutes longer after a necessary detour around their nest. Everyone knows that they’ll mess you up. Capricorn …

Forget astrology, what insight does your traffic sign have about your future?

By Preetha Gopalakrishnan, November 1 2016 —   Scorpio  (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) Your presence in places that you have never been to before — such as research symposia,  community hall meetings and free dinners for student clubs — will be noticed by many. However, no matter how hard you try to fit in…

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