Tagged horoscopes

Your future is desperate

By Jill Girgulis, February 7 2017 —   Aquarius  (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) Cupid will pay you a visit on Feb. 14, take one look at your current state of existence, shake his head and say “ehh, better not.” Pisces  (Feb. 19 – March 20)  In preparation for your anatomy midterm, you will spend all…

Your future looks very sexy

By Tina Shaygan, January 31 2017 — Aquarius  (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) You will pop your hip out trying a new sex position you read about in Cosmopolitan. Turns out, having sex upside down with chocolate sauce spread over your body requires athletic ability you do not possess. Pisces  (Feb. 19 – March 20) …

The sun will come out tomorrow and so will your future with these horoscopes

By Derek Baker, January 24 2017 —   Aquarius  (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) After hitting snooze on your phone’s alarm for the seventh time in a row, Siri will make a snide comment, saying that you will amount to nothing in your life. Pisces  (Feb. 19 – March 20)  You will watch your roommate unblinkingly brush…

Will 2017 be as crappy as 2016 was? The stars know!

By Derek Baker, January 10 2017 —   Capricorn  (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) Deciding to eat healthier this year, you will find a way to incorporate kale into every meal. Unfortunately, kale is the most garbage-tasting edible leaf and your taste buds will no longer work properly after a week and a half of your new…

These horoscopes predict your future is for the birds

By Derek Baker, November 22 2016 — Sagittarius  (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) Upon receiving word that there is a family of Canadian geese on the path you use to walk to school, your commute will become 30 minutes longer after a necessary detour around their nest. Everyone knows that they’ll mess you up. Capricorn …

Forget astrology, what insight does your traffic sign have about your future?

By Preetha Gopalakrishnan, November 1 2016 —   Scorpio  (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) Your presence in places that you have never been to before — such as research symposia,  community hall meetings and free dinners for student clubs — will be noticed by many. However, no matter how hard you try to fit in…

Your future is foretold in these spooky horror-scopes

By Derek Baker, October 25 2016 — Scorpio  (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) You have a midterm on the night of the Halloween party you’re going to since your professor is a jerk. To the dismay of your professor, you will nonchalantly write the midterm in a slutty Minion costume as if this is a regular…

Fall into your future with these autumn horoscopes

By Beatrice Genilo, October 11 2016 —    Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) Wondering if the yellow leaves are sweet, you will taste one off the ground. You determine that they taste like crisp potato chips.   Scorpio  (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) A squirrel will come to you in the middle of the…

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