Tagged horoscopes

Will 2017 be as crappy as 2016 was? The stars know!

By Derek Baker, January 10 2017 —   Capricorn  (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) Deciding to eat healthier this year, you will find a way to incorporate kale into every meal. Unfortunately, kale is the most garbage-tasting edible leaf and your taste buds will no longer work properly after a week and a half of your new…

These horoscopes predict your future is for the birds

By Derek Baker, November 22 2016 — Sagittarius  (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) Upon receiving word that there is a family of Canadian geese on the path you use to walk to school, your commute will become 30 minutes longer after a necessary detour around their nest. Everyone knows that they’ll mess you up. Capricorn …

Forget astrology, what insight does your traffic sign have about your future?

By Preetha Gopalakrishnan, November 1 2016 —   Scorpio  (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) Your presence in places that you have never been to before — such as research symposia,  community hall meetings and free dinners for student clubs — will be noticed by many. However, no matter how hard you try to fit in…

Your future is foretold in these spooky horror-scopes

By Derek Baker, October 25 2016 — Scorpio  (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) You have a midterm on the night of the Halloween party you’re going to since your professor is a jerk. To the dismay of your professor, you will nonchalantly write the midterm in a slutty Minion costume as if this is a regular…

Fall into your future with these autumn horoscopes

By Beatrice Genilo, October 11 2016 —    Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) Wondering if the yellow leaves are sweet, you will taste one off the ground. You determine that they taste like crisp potato chips.   Scorpio  (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) A squirrel will come to you in the middle of the…

Have Thanksgiving dinner with your future

By Jill Girgulis, October 6 2016 —    Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) During an engaging grammar history lecture on the Tuesday after Thanksgiving, you will slip into premature hibernation and awake just in time for final exams in April. Scorpio  (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) Eager to demonstrate your ornithological anatomy knowledge to…

Grab a few pints with your future

By Melanie Woods, September 20 2016 — Virgo  (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) While you are enjoying a pint of the new Den Lager, your long-lost son Romero will appear behind you and gently tap you on the shoulder. “I’ve missed you,” he’ll say. “I’ve always missed you.” Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) A…

Your #future is currently subtweeting you right now

By Jill Girgulis, September 6 2016 — Virgo  (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) In a drug-induced state, you will accidentally upload a Vine of yourself taken 10 minutes after your wisdom teeth surgery. You will then experience all the highs and lows of your six seconds of fame before passing out on the couch. Libra…

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