Tagged horoscopes

Your future is foretold in these spooky horror-scopes

By Derek Baker, October 25 2016 — Scorpio  (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) You have a midterm on the night of the Halloween party you’re going to since your professor is a jerk. To the dismay of your professor, you will nonchalantly write the midterm in a slutty Minion costume as if this is a regular…

Fall into your future with these autumn horoscopes

By Beatrice Genilo, October 11 2016 —    Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) Wondering if the yellow leaves are sweet, you will taste one off the ground. You determine that they taste like crisp potato chips.   Scorpio  (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) A squirrel will come to you in the middle of the…

Have Thanksgiving dinner with your future

By Jill Girgulis, October 6 2016 —    Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) During an engaging grammar history lecture on the Tuesday after Thanksgiving, you will slip into premature hibernation and awake just in time for final exams in April. Scorpio  (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) Eager to demonstrate your ornithological anatomy knowledge to…

Grab a few pints with your future

By Melanie Woods, September 20 2016 — Virgo  (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) While you are enjoying a pint of the new Den Lager, your long-lost son Romero will appear behind you and gently tap you on the shoulder. “I’ve missed you,” he’ll say. “I’ve always missed you.” Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) A…

Your #future is currently subtweeting you right now

By Jill Girgulis, September 6 2016 — Virgo  (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) In a drug-induced state, you will accidentally upload a Vine of yourself taken 10 minutes after your wisdom teeth surgery. You will then experience all the highs and lows of your six seconds of fame before passing out on the couch. Libra…

What does the new school year have in store for you?

By Derek Baker, August 30 2016 — Virgo  (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) While waiting to take the bus outside of Murray Fraser Hall, a futuristic-looking hovercraft will pull up instead. You will skeptically hop on as the driver warns that Bloinkzors from Planet Zurgon are coming to attack. Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)…

Look forward to your summer with our horoscopes

By Josh Perlette, June 7 2016 — Gemini  (May 21 – June 20) While in an elevator, Game of Thrones star Kristian Nairn will stare you down with his beady eyes and tell you to fuck off as he presses the “close door” button on you. Cancer  (June 21 – July 22) You will speed-read…

Lights! Camera! Blockbuster horoscopes!

Jill Girgulis, May 24 2016 — Gemini  (May 21 – June 20) Enraged at the fact that The Angry Birds Movie is allowed to exist, you will work tirelessly to overthrow the capitalist bourgeoisie and ensure this never happens again. Cancer  (June 21 – July 22) You will feel so guilty about going to see…

What does your May long weekend have in store?

By Derek Baker, May 17 2016 —  Taurus  (April 20 – May 20) You will reignite Alberta’s economy when you spend an unimaginable amount of money at the Banff candy store, despite promising yourself you’d only purchase a single block of fudge. Gemini  (May 21 – June 20) While roasting a marshmallow over a campfire,…

Bermuda Shorts Horoscopes

By Melanie Woods, April 5 2016 — Aries  (March 21 – April 19) You will crowd surf at the BSD beer gardens. The crowd will be so large and dense that they’ll take you all the way to Shawnessey. Taurus  (April 20 – May 20) You will be banned from the BSD beer gardens after…

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