Tagged horoscopes

Take a big bite out of your tasty, tasty future

By Jill Girgulis, March 29 2016 – Aries  (March 21 – April 19) A salad you ordered from a MacHall vendor that cannot be named due to an FBI ongoing investigation will be so gross that you will find yourself craving Dining Centre food. Yes, it will be that bad. You may die. Taurus  (April…

The Junos are in town, and so is your future

By Melanie Woods, March 22 2016 — Aries  (March 21 – April 19) After meeting Carly Rae Jepsen in the basement of a seedy bar in the East Village, you will suddenly be unable to express your love of something without saying that you really really really really really really really like it. Taurus  (April…

It’s raining your future, hallelujah

By Simran Kaler, March 15 2016 — Pisces  (Feb. 19 – March 20) If a snowman ask you to journey to his winter wonderland after class, politely decline. He’ll probably melt by then and that’s an awkward interaction you will want to avoid. Aries  (March 21 – April 19) You will step outside holding an…

Enrol in your classes and your future

By Jill Girgulis, March 8 2016 —   Pisces  (Feb. 19 – March 20) You will go to add courses to your enrolment shopping cart, only to be informed that your cart is full. Further investigation will reveal that you currently have 37 different mini-fridges from Kijiji in your cart. Did you intend to make…

The inevitable animal apocalypse is your future

By Sean Willett, March 1 2016 — Pisces  (Feb. 19 – March 20) The rabbits on campus will act stranger than normal, congregating in small groups and staring unwaveringly at passing students. You will swear you overheard them shit-talking you. Aries  (March 21 – April 19) You will see a beautiful deer while walking to…

Students’ Union election horoscopes

By Melanie Woods, February 23 2016 — Pisces  (Feb. 19 – March 20) You will wake up tomorrow with presidential candidate Stephan Guscott’s beard. It looks good on you. Aries  (March 21 – April 19) A terrified-looking man in a Minions costume will sprint past you in the hallway. After you realize no one is…

Fall in love with your future this Valentine’s Day

By Melanie Woods, February 9 2016 — Aquarius  (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) While swiping through Tinder, you will see an adorable dog. The dog enjoys long walks in the park and napping by the fireplace. He is seven years old and three feet long. His favourite toy is red ball. He loves red ball….

Super Bowl 50 horoscopes

By Melanie Woods, February 2 2016 — Aquarius  (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) You will miss the train, go grab a coffee and then just barely miss the next train. This must be what Cleveland Browns fans feel like on draft day.  Pisces  (Feb. 19 – March 20) You will be invited to play in…

Your future is super sensual

By Joie Atejira, January 28 2016 — Aquarius  (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) Your hotline’s going to bling, and it will be the booty call you’ve been waiting for.  Pisces  (Feb. 19 – March 20) Don’t forget to remind your roommate not to drop by you and your friend’s “study session” tomorrow night. Aries  (March…

Your future rhymes

By Melanie Woods, January 19 2016 —   Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) You will be approached by a stranger in gold who will fuck you over and give you a cold. Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20) While listening to your favourite radio podcast, you’ll remember that every moment could be your last….

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