Tagged horoscopes

‘Tis the season for the future

By Melanie Woods, December 1 2015 —   Sagittarius  (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) Your significant other will purchase you a knock-off Minions bodypillow for the holidays. Your “goggle-wearing villain assistant” will keep you warm during the dark, cold nights. Capricorn  (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) While indulging in a festive cup of rum and…

It’s all going to shit — but here’s your future anyways

By Melanie Woods, November 24 2015 — Sagittarius  (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) While wandering around the basement of the admin building, you will come across a basket of golden retriever puppies, but Jim Dinning will prevent you from rescueing them. Their sad eyes will haunt you. Capricorn  (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) After questioning…

Get ready for your future, because we know it

By Simran Kaler, November 17 2015 — Scorpio  (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) If you come across a ladder, climb one step and there will be chocolate in your future. Climb three steps and there will be nuts in your future. Sagittarius  (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) You will find an eyelash in your morning…

Supplement your midterm stress with future stress

By Gheenl Miguel, November 3 2015 — Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) The planetary alignment of Venus and Mars will impact transportation around the world this week. Be extra cautious of roller blades, hot dog stands and hamster balls. Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) You will find that your pockets are suddenly toasters…

The future is super scary and extra spooky

By Derek Baker, October 27 2015 —   Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) A strange chill will send shivers down your spine and you will feel an unearthly being’s presence. As you turn around, you will see a ghost smiling at you and carrying a six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon®. You will scream and…

Your future is written down, just like these books

By Melanie Woods, October 13 2015 — Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) You will read James Joyce’s Ulysses backwards on a dare from a friend and discover it’s actually the story of a sad, confused dog. Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) William Shakespeare will approach you in a dark alley, call you a…

You will “lift up thine eyes” to your future

By Melanie Woods, October 6 2015 – Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) You will wake up one morning to find that the Taylor family purchased the souls of every student at the University of Calgary. You are  now Taylor Student of Higher Education #4562. Scorpio  (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) You will lift up…

#PSH: Pumpkin Spice horoscopes

By Melanie Woods, September 29, 2015 — Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) When you order your favourite Pumpkin Spice Latte, you will accidentally order a Spicy Pumpkin Latte, the spiciest and vilest of all the lattes. It will burn you from the inside out. Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) You will arrive home…

Horoscopes: September 24

By Clara Sadler, September 24, 2015 — Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) You will be drafted into the Skeleton War. After you die, your bones will rise from the grave to fight for a cause they truly believe in. Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) An off-brand Minion toy that you won at a…

Horoscopes: September 17

By Wei Shen Tan, September 17 2015 — Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) Tomorrow morning you will be faced with the harrowing dilemma of wearing a t-shirt with a bedazzled grumpy cat or a tiger-striped sweater with the word “RAWR” scrawled across the front in green Comic Sans. Either way, it will be a…

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