Tagged horoscopes

Have Thanksgiving dinner with your future

By Jill Girgulis, October 6 2016 —    Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) During an engaging grammar history lecture on the Tuesday after Thanksgiving, you will slip into premature hibernation and awake just in time for final exams in April. Scorpio  (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) Eager to demonstrate your ornithological anatomy knowledge to…

Grab a few pints with your future

By Melanie Woods, September 20 2016 — Virgo  (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) While you are enjoying a pint of the new Den Lager, your long-lost son Romero will appear behind you and gently tap you on the shoulder. “I’ve missed you,” he’ll say. “I’ve always missed you.” Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) A…

Your #future is currently subtweeting you right now

By Jill Girgulis, September 6 2016 — Virgo  (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) In a drug-induced state, you will accidentally upload a Vine of yourself taken 10 minutes after your wisdom teeth surgery. You will then experience all the highs and lows of your six seconds of fame before passing out on the couch. Libra…

What does the new school year have in store for you?

By Derek Baker, August 30 2016 — Virgo  (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) While waiting to take the bus outside of Murray Fraser Hall, a futuristic-looking hovercraft will pull up instead. You will skeptically hop on as the driver warns that Bloinkzors from Planet Zurgon are coming to attack. Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)…

Look forward to your summer with our horoscopes

By Josh Perlette, June 7 2016 — Gemini  (May 21 – June 20) While in an elevator, Game of Thrones star Kristian Nairn will stare you down with his beady eyes and tell you to fuck off as he presses the “close door” button on you. Cancer  (June 21 – July 22) You will speed-read…

Lights! Camera! Blockbuster horoscopes!

Jill Girgulis, May 24 2016 — Gemini  (May 21 – June 20) Enraged at the fact that The Angry Birds Movie is allowed to exist, you will work tirelessly to overthrow the capitalist bourgeoisie and ensure this never happens again. Cancer  (June 21 – July 22) You will feel so guilty about going to see…

What does your May long weekend have in store?

By Derek Baker, May 17 2016 —  Taurus  (April 20 – May 20) You will reignite Alberta’s economy when you spend an unimaginable amount of money at the Banff candy store, despite promising yourself you’d only purchase a single block of fudge. Gemini  (May 21 – June 20) While roasting a marshmallow over a campfire,…

Bermuda Shorts Horoscopes

By Melanie Woods, April 5 2016 — Aries  (March 21 – April 19) You will crowd surf at the BSD beer gardens. The crowd will be so large and dense that they’ll take you all the way to Shawnessey. Taurus  (April 20 – May 20) You will be banned from the BSD beer gardens after…

Take a big bite out of your tasty, tasty future

By Jill Girgulis, March 29 2016 – Aries  (March 21 – April 19) A salad you ordered from a MacHall vendor that cannot be named due to an FBI ongoing investigation will be so gross that you will find yourself craving Dining Centre food. Yes, it will be that bad. You may die. Taurus  (April…

The Junos are in town, and so is your future

By Melanie Woods, March 22 2016 — Aries  (March 21 – April 19) After meeting Carly Rae Jepsen in the basement of a seedy bar in the East Village, you will suddenly be unable to express your love of something without saying that you really really really really really really really like it. Taurus  (April…

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