Tagged horoscopes

The inevitable animal apocalypse is your future

By Sean Willett, March 1 2016 — Pisces  (Feb. 19 – March 20) The rabbits on campus will act stranger than normal, congregating in small groups and staring unwaveringly at passing students. You will swear you overheard them shit-talking you. Aries  (March 21 – April 19) You will see a beautiful deer while walking to…

Students’ Union election horoscopes

By Melanie Woods, February 23 2016 — Pisces  (Feb. 19 – March 20) You will wake up tomorrow with presidential candidate Stephan Guscott’s beard. It looks good on you. Aries  (March 21 – April 19) A terrified-looking man in a Minions costume will sprint past you in the hallway. After you realize no one is…

Fall in love with your future this Valentine’s Day

By Melanie Woods, February 9 2016 — Aquarius  (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) While swiping through Tinder, you will see an adorable dog. The dog enjoys long walks in the park and napping by the fireplace. He is seven years old and three feet long. His favourite toy is red ball. He loves red ball….

Super Bowl 50 horoscopes

By Melanie Woods, February 2 2016 — Aquarius  (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) You will miss the train, go grab a coffee and then just barely miss the next train. This must be what Cleveland Browns fans feel like on draft day.  Pisces  (Feb. 19 – March 20) You will be invited to play in…

Your future is super sensual

By Joie Atejira, January 28 2016 — Aquarius  (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) Your hotline’s going to bling, and it will be the booty call you’ve been waiting for.  Pisces  (Feb. 19 – March 20) Don’t forget to remind your roommate not to drop by you and your friend’s “study session” tomorrow night. Aries  (March…

Your future rhymes

By Melanie Woods, January 19 2016 —   Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) You will be approached by a stranger in gold who will fuck you over and give you a cold. Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20) While listening to your favourite radio podcast, you’ll remember that every moment could be your last….

‘Tis the season for the future

By Melanie Woods, December 1 2015 —   Sagittarius  (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) Your significant other will purchase you a knock-off Minions bodypillow for the holidays. Your “goggle-wearing villain assistant” will keep you warm during the dark, cold nights. Capricorn  (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) While indulging in a festive cup of rum and…

It’s all going to shit — but here’s your future anyways

By Melanie Woods, November 24 2015 — Sagittarius  (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) While wandering around the basement of the admin building, you will come across a basket of golden retriever puppies, but Jim Dinning will prevent you from rescueing them. Their sad eyes will haunt you. Capricorn  (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) After questioning…

Get ready for your future, because we know it

By Simran Kaler, November 17 2015 — Scorpio  (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) If you come across a ladder, climb one step and there will be chocolate in your future. Climb three steps and there will be nuts in your future. Sagittarius  (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) You will find an eyelash in your morning…

Supplement your midterm stress with future stress

By Gheenl Miguel, November 3 2015 — Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) The planetary alignment of Venus and Mars will impact transportation around the world this week. Be extra cautious of roller blades, hot dog stands and hamster balls. Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) You will find that your pockets are suddenly toasters…

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