Tagged satire

BREAKING NEWS: It’s hella windy outside

By Derek Baker, October 17 2017 — Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Auntie Em, Uncle Henry, Toto! It’s a twister! It’s a twister! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa   This article is part of our humour section.

Coca-Cola change causes chaos on campus

By Drew Thomas, October 12 2017 — The University of Calgary announced last week that they were switching their exclusive cold beverage provider from Pepsi to Coca-Cola. The fallout of this fateful decision is expected to be more explosive than a diet cola bottle full of Mentos. The decision to switch vendors polarized campus creating two…

Ultra-low-cost airline “Eastjet Dive” to offer transatlantic flights on crop-dusters

By Devin Aggarwal, October 4 2017 — No-frills airline Eastjet announced the launch of its ultra-low-cost service “Eastjet Dive” today, promising customers low-cost tickets for international flights. Dive hopes to lower ticket prices by 75 per cent without sacrificing the company’s renowned customer service. “Our new fleet will include legacy aircraft, certified through the test of…

Hydroponic grow-op discovered in plant biology department

By Derek Baker, October 3 2017 — Some student researchers in the University of Calgary’s plant biology program have been pursuing a slightly different form of higher education. After receiving an anonymous tip — and observing smokey haze emanating from the basement of Biological Sciences — Campus Security has shut down an extensive on-campus hydroponic cannabis…

Student falls asleep on CTrain, wakes up in new dimension

By Evan Lewis, September 27 2017 — Commuting to the University of Calgary can be a long and tedious experience, particularly for those travelling from the city’s outer suburbs. Even minor technical difficulties can extend the journey significantly. However, first-year student Sayid Sarraf’s commute was extended indefinitely when his train slipped through the seams of…

U of C to bulldoze MacHall to make way for new Flames arena

By Devin Aggarwal, September 27 2017 — After months of failed negotiations with the City of Calgary, the Calgary Flames are finally getting a new arena. The arena comes with a $500-million price tag and is slated to be built on the University of Calgary campus where MacHall currently stands. “We had such limited success with…

Zipper-worshiping cult discovered on campus

By Frankie Hart, September 26 2017 — Last Friday, a student who has been missing for several semesters was discovered bloodied and bruised under the Prairie Chicken. The student has requested their personal details be omitted and that they be referred to only as “Disciple Zippy.” Zippy claims to have escaped from a group called…

Calgary installs new $1.2-million invisible public art piece

By Devin Aggarwal, September 21 2017 — Calgary city council came under fire again this week after revealing a new piece of public art purchased for the downtown core. The project, conceptualized by Moldovan new-age artist Clara Fischer and titled “Winter in Prairie,” cost the city 1.2 million. It is completely invisible. “The sculpture embodies the…

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