Tagged satire

Roll-Up-The-Rim loser accuses Tim Hortons of promoting “fake news”

By Melanie Woods, February 7 2017 — A third-year University of Calgary student is taking Tim Hortons to court, claiming the chain promotes “fake news” through its Roll-Up-The-Rim promotion. Third-year chemistry student Kevin Branson purchased a large double-double from the Tim Hortons Express in MacHall expecting to win something but instead received the “Please Play Again/Reessayez SVP®”…

Tamagotchi murderer rejected from vet school

By Jill Girgulis, January 24 2017 — Fourth-year biology student Rachel Redick’s application to the University of Calgary’s Doctor of Veterinary Medicine program was recently rejected because, according to the admission board, she “failed to provide the necessities of life to a creature, real or digital, in her care.” Redick, normally a devoted Tamagotchi parent, recently…

University offers new degree on NAP-ing

By Drew Thomas, January 24 2016 — This week, the University of Calgary announced a new degree stream promoting the application of Non-Awake Participation (NAP) principles. Students will soon be able to earn a Bachelor of NAP-ing and enrol in intensive sleep-based classes. NAP 327: Practical Application of Dozing is the first course to accurately display what…

Students’ Union looks down at peasants below at Pack the Jack

By Derek Baker, January 17 2017 — Of the 1,881 fans who Packed the Jack for this year’s annual basketball classic, a notable few were also in the crowd. Or rather, they sat above it. Executives and representatives from the University of Calgary Students’ Union showed their support for the Dinos this year by viewing the…

Ten attainable resolutions for 2017

By Drew Thomas, January 17 2016 —   The semester is now well underway and you’ve probably failed to keep your New Year’s resolution already. No judgement here — going to the gym daily or quitting drunk-texting is hard. Still, to make sure your 2017 isn’t a total wash, the Gauntlet devised 10 achievable goals for…

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