By Lady Marmalade, December 5 2017 —
December is finally here, which means the weather is getting colder, your bank account is shrinking and the trees are lit as hell. With these smooth moves, your sex life can be lit too. If the first time we did this wasn’t enough to tide you over, enjoy a second round of festive fucking.
Elf on the Shelf:
The consumerist abomination that tricks children into behaving well for one month of the year, Elf on the Shelf also refers to the hottest new sex trend. Dress up like an elf and surprise your lover by doing something truly shocking. The fun of this position has less to do with sex and more to do with the fear that comes with waking up in the morning unaware of what havoc the little elf has wreaked on your house during the night.
Invite your friend Carol over for a late-night viewing of the 1988 classic — and ultimate Christmas movie — Die Hard. When the movie is over, give each other a firm, yet gentle kiss on the cheek. How nice!
Since you’re already stuffing your pie hole with everything pumpkin spice, why not introduce this festive flavour to your other orifices? Sprinkle cinnamon and nutmeg over your lover and go to town. Unfortunately, Durex ® is still holding out on a condom that satisfies your pumpkin spice cravings. Until that magical day comes, you can make do by creating your own pumpkin spice lube. Just add pumpkin spice flavouring to some coconut oil and you’re set.
You’re a dirty little Santa and you’ve got a secret. The days are shorter than ever and all this darkness leaves you feeling sad. Stay in and just talk about your feelings. If you can cry, do so. I know it’s been a while.
An angel belongs on top of every Christmas tree — and honey, you’re a damn angel. Get on top and pretend you know what you’re doing.
Hung by the Chimney:
Baby it’s cold outside, but it’s getting hot in here. Get naked and have sex on the floor in front of a fireplace. Sex on the floor might seem spontaneous and funky, but you better lay out a lot of blankets and pillows or you’re going to have the most bruised knees you’ve ever experienced. And being naked in a large, empty area will make you feel vulnerable and exposed. This is not for the faint of heart.
This one is exactly what you’d expect. It’s just kissing. But instead of lips, smooch your lover with each of your toes. It might feel weird at first, but I promise that nothing will put you in the giving spirit more than cold, sharp toenails grazing your neck.
Straight up have sex at Zoolights. Even though the pathways are pretty much packed with cheerful zoo-goers of all ages, there are plenty of opportunities to sneak away from the pack to make love in the frigid zoo air. The constant fear that the animals aren’t actually indoors while you get dirty in their enclosure will only heighten your sensual feelings. Just a warning, it’s going to be cold. Bring blankets.
The Snow Globe:
Make it snow indoors! If you’re making love with someone who has a penis, try out this cool technique. Right before they orgasm, shake them up real good and get ready to catch those flakes on your tongue on the way down. Uh oh — brain freeze!
Some people love it, some people hate it. But you’ve got to crack some eggs to make an omelette. Or, sex. This is a highly advanced technique. Not for beginners or those who are lactose intolerant.
This article is part of our Humour section.