By Lady Marmalade, January 23 2018 —
In 2017, Lady Marmalade scoped out the top best 10 spots on campus for getting your mid-semester bang on. Since then, she’s been on the prowl to find more sneaky sexy spots to get partially naked (or fully, if you like the thrill) on campus. So grab some lube and protection and get your freak on.
1. That slow-ass elevator in MacHall by Jugo Juice:
If you’re making a trip up to the Gauntlet office from the first floor of MacHall, invite your lover in too and get it on in there. Don’t worry about timing. This elevator is literally the slowest I’ve ever been in, so you have plenty of time. If you’re going from the top floor to the bottom floor, you can grab a Jugo Juice after to quench your thirst. Good work in there, buddy. You earned it.
2. In your car in the Arts Parkade:
Do it like your parents used to and climb in the back of your 2007 Nissan Sentra to steam up your ride while some sweet Peter Gabriel plays in the background. Make sure you pay for the parking spot beforehand, or the romantic bright red light of shame above your car will rat you out to the parking police and you may end up with a ticket. That’d be a boner-killer for sure.
3. That new thing they’re building:
Wow, that’s a big new building popping up on campus. Is it a library? More offices? Who knows. All I know is that you should throw on a hard hat with your FWB and march in there like you own the place. Find a random room and declare loudly that you are doing an “infrastructure check” and need privacy. Then go to town.
4. Any room in the Education building during practicum:
At the end of February, all the education students will be up to their eyeballs in lesson plans and influenza, so take a gander at some classrooms in the Education building with someone you like. Spoiler alert, every room is empty and cold, so grab a blanket and a condom and put that theory into practice.
5. Pretend to be a part of the bridge statue by Kines:
Immerse yourself in campus art and join in on that weird statue by the Kinesiology building. Pretend to be one of the naked people holding up the bridge and have a menage-a-trois with the other statues. This one is best for a warm day. Sex.
6. Behind the painted rock:
This thing has so many layers that a little love-making mist won’t hurt. Hide behind this dirty bad boy and be a little dirty bad boy yourself.
7. EEEL building:
Whip out your eel in EEEL. Climb all those big stairs and get lost in one of many laboratories this building boasts. If you can find a bathroom that locks, even better. Before your coitus, take a romantic shower and hose down in the chemlabs. Be sneaky and make that lab table creaky.
8. The Hunter Hub:
Do you know how much money is in the porn industry? It’s time to pivot and innovate, baby!
9. In Rex’s suit:
If you and your lover are particularly petite, climb on in to Rex’s Dino suit and roar with pleasure as you nut in that filthy thing. Nobody will notice that Rex is looking a little lumpier than usual, but they might notice the new pep in his step. This one is a really good one because you can have sex anywhere now and get some high-fives as you go to town, Tyrannosaurus Sex style.
10. In your dorm or parent’s house, you animals. This is a joke.
If you have sex on campus, one of two things will happen. Either you’ll get caught and get expelled, or you’ll have the hottest goddamn sex of you life and nothing else will compare. We don’t want to be responsible for either of those things. C’mon, dude. Just go to your dorm like everybody else. This is funny and all, but don’t have sex on campus. It’s gross, cold and smelly just about everywhere. Have some goddamn respect for yourself.