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Justin Quaintance

TFDL removes bean bag chairs after students discovered engaging in coital activity on them

By Derek Baker, January 31 2017 —

Required readings and practice questions aren’t the only things students found hard in the Taylor Family Digital Library last semester.

Many students are still coping with the loss of the TFDL bean bag chairs. The chairs provided a place for students to study, nap and — more controversially — get a little frisky on campus.

“After interrupting a couple participating in very inappropriate actions on the bean bag chairs for the 10th time in the span of only a few weeks, we made an executive decision to get rid of the lewd furniture items in question,” U of C vice-provost puritanism Gertrude Grundy said.

After removing the bean bag chairs from the library, they were promptly soaked in bleach to remove any questionable stains.

First-year kinesiology student and TFDL-sex enthusiast Felix Fukami shamelessly described his experiences on the bean bag chairs.

“Yeah, I’ve done the devil’s dance with no pants on the bean bags on more than one occasion,” Fukami said. “It’s a really great interactive way of studying for my human anatomy courses. I aced my final — I actually think the U of C should encourage this.”

Fukami listed other courses offered at the U of C that interactive studying methods can help students solidify concepts, including ANTH 331: Sex and Gender. He is offering his services to anyone in need of a study buddy.

Despite Fukami’s academic success, campus security was not pleased with his actions when they caught him in the act.

“We heard footsteps from around the corner, but we couldn’t react quick enough,” Fukami said. “Does anyone realize just how difficult it is to get out of a bean bag chair? It felt like I was stuck in quicksand.”

Campus security then escorted an ass-naked Fukami and his partner off campus.

Though reports of indecent acts on campus have dropped significantly since the removal of the bean bag chairs, many students — who swear they would never have sex on campus — are still reeling from the loss.

“I would plan my sleep schedule with the knowledge that I could catch up on a few z’s the next day in the library,” second-year biology student Maggie Marshall said. “Now, I guess I’ll have to increase my sleep from two hours a night to three hours just to function.”

Public sex enthusiasts have started a club with the intent on finding a new place to bone on campus. The University’s Nation of Horny Humans (UNHH) club will hold a general meeting to discuss new spots to replace the bean bag chairs.

“So far, we’ve identified four new possibilities,” UNHH president Trisha Titz said. “We’re looking at the foam chairs in the Atrium, the couches near Social Science, underneath the Prairie Chicken on the hill and the gallery seats in the Students’ Union council chambers.”

 

This article is part of our humour section.

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