By Evan Lewis, March 6 2018 —
A report issued by Tim Hortons earlier this week has confirmed that the cup you threw out without rolling-up-the-rim was definitely a winner.
“Lots of people throw them out accidentally but your cup was definitely the big winner. That Honda Civic could have been yours, you fool,” the statement read. “No mistaking it. It just really screamed ‘you’ — you know what I mean?”
The report went on to say, “That car was worth, like, $25,000 or something. Did you know that? That’s over three years worth of tuition.” It concluded by calling you a loser and suggested that you let those “’what if?’ questions haunt you forever.
Tim Hortons officials claim they have a very specific rationale for tracking where each winning cup is probably located.
“We do these studies for a reason. For every winner that accidentally throws out their cup without rrrrolling up the rim, we literally throw out an entire car. We just use a crane and drop it into the Vancouver harbour.
“It’s the only way to keep the contest fair, really. You could have had a car, but basically, you went and threw it in the bay. It’s your bad, if you really think about it,” the officials continued. “We do the same thing with those $5,000 prepaid VISA cards, only we don’t drink champagne when we throw those ones out.”
“Honestly, I think it’s despicable,” a transient on the CTrain informed us, after we neither asked him any questions or spoke to him at all. “Throwing it out like that. The cup, I mean. Not the car.”
The man then explained he was working as one of Tim Hortons’s many roaming “cup collectors” who work nationwide to find discarded and unrolled rims. This elite squad of cup-oriented bounty hunters are also in charge of gathering DNA from these cups and checking it against Tim Hortons’s bank of Canadian genomes. That is how they identified your cup, personally.
“The DNA thing? Nah, that’s totally legal,” the man, who only wanted to be attributed to as Tom, said. “Some loophole in laws about figuring out advertising demographics.”
Tom left the train at the next stop, taking his peculiar ‘old coffee smell’ with him.
The Gauntlet also reached out to you in hopes of retrieving a statement about your could-have-been car, but you didn’t answer your phone.
This article is part of our Humour section.