By Lady Marmalade, November 29 2016 —
The holiday season is almost upon us. With the holidays come cookies, snow and lots and lots of boning with your loved one. Get down and dirty with these 12 sex positions for each day of Christmas, which are sure to bring good tidings to all.
The Christmas tree:
This position is best done when both lovers are standing facing each other. Hold hands and stand so that your foreheads touch with your feet about three feet away from each other so you resemble a Christmas tree. With your foreheads together and hands held, say some sweet things to your lover while fully clothed — this is a religious holiday, after all.
While one lover is “taking a knee” on the carpet, carefully take a seat on their extended knee to face them. Then, try really hard to manoeuvre your body for optimal penetration. It might not work. When your partner gets too tired from holding your body up after all those holiday treats, you can feel so bad about yourself that you don’t want to have sex at all. Good thing there’s more Gilmore Girls on Netflix, am I right?
The yule log:
Wrap your penis in cardboard and bubble wrap so that it resembles the length and girth of your run-of-the-mill holiday yule log. Then present it to your lover only to be turned down, because honey, that dick is too big.
Cookies for Santa:
Need some milk for those cookies? Go down on your lover with a mouthful of Dad’s oatmeal chocolate chip cookies filling your cheeks. When the moment of truth arrives — good luck.
Frosting the snowman:
Ask your lover to ejaculate all over your naked body. After eating all that pumpkin pie, your body will resemble a snowman! This body shape is highly sought-after in the snowman community, so you should be very proud.
Let your partner cum first for once, you selfish ass.
Normal doggy-style sex, but you’re full from eating so much turkey. Also you really want to take a nap. After four minutes of this, just lie down next to your lover and talk dirty until you’re hungry enough for seconds! Mashed potatoes, here we cum!
Mix it up! Put on some nipple clamps that have nice red and green Christmas ornaments hanging on them! Now, as they bob around during sex, you can remember how much joy you feel during the holidays.
This is an advanced technique. Proceed with extreme caution and consent.
Santa Claus is cumming to town:
When you arrive at your lover’s home, wear some sneaky edible lingerie under a bright red Santa suit. They’ll be in for the surprise of their lives when your jolly red attire turns out to be hiding the sexiest thing of all — food!
Dance of the sugar plum fairy:
For this move, make sure you and you lover(s) are wearing elaborate outfits donned in glitter. Now, engage in the most intricate dance routine you’ve ever seen while you remove the outfits. The love-making that follows this stunning routine will be so beautiful that Christmas will come to a quick climax. The glitter, however, will never end. It’ll be there forever.
O holy night:
More or less exactly what you’d expect — fisting. Use lots of lube.
This article is part of our humour section