The butt and nothing but: advice for awesome anal sex

By Ms. Robinson, January 22 2019 —

Anal sex is one of my favourite activities in the bedroom. The tush is tight and taboo, a killer combo for both mental and physical stimulation. The popularity of anal sex has been on the rise for quite some time — adult website PornHub tracks user data and found that searches for anal sex rose 120 per cent in the United States and 78 per cent worldwide between 2009 and 2015. Still, it is often fantasized about in secret, while being viewed publicly as dirty and something the receiving party simply tolerates rather than enjoys.

As a female anal aficionado, the most common questions I’m asked by friends and partners alike are related to the back door. “Why on earth would you want to do that? Does it hurt? Does it get messy?” Misinformation about the act abounds. But there are ways to incorporate anal into your sex life in a healthy and fun way! These tips are applicable to folks of all sexual orientations and gender expressions.

Consent and communication are crucial:

Obviously, consent should be top of mind in all sexual interactions. This is especially true for anal sex. Just because someone has agreed to engage in sexual activity with you doesn’t mean anal is on the table. It’s something that should be discussed in advance — if brought up in the heat of the moment, one partner may feel obligated to participate when they don’t want to, or aren’t ready to. This can lead to an unenjoyable and painful experience. The goal is to be able to incorporate anal sex into your repertoire on a regular basis — if it isn’t fun, what’s the point?

Communication is essential to ensuring a pleasurable, mind-blowing anal adventure. Make sure you’re letting your partner know what feels good, what doesn’t and how fast or slow they should be going.

Prepare for pleasure:

Spontaneity is not the friend of anal sex. It sounds crass, but there is potential for something to go wrong. Don’t go out for a huge, spicy meal and then attempt anal. Know your body. Understand how long it takes to digest certain foods and how your body responds to them. Eat minimally the day of an anal adventure. You wouldn’t want to run a marathon after a big steak dinner and you won’t want something shoved up your backside after one either! If you know you’re prepared, you’ll be more comfortable. And when you’re comfortable, sex is much more enjoyable. 

Ensure you have condoms, lube and baby wipes near your bed — or wherever you plan to do the deed. 

You can also prepare yourself beforehand. Buy a sex toy and get used to the feeling of having something up there. Toys come in graduated sizes, so you can start small and work your way up to something bigger. Just make sure your toys are made for butts! You’ll want to get something with a flared base. Otherwise, you run the risk of getting your toy lost up there and no one wants to explain that to the emergency room staff.

Cleanliness is critical: 

Part of being prepared is making sure you’re as clean as possible. There’s no need to do anything drastic — your backside is much cleaner than the rumour mill would have you believe. Have a thorough shower and insert a soapy finger to assuage any fears of not being clean back there. The worry of an “accident” is pretty unfounded — unless you have digestion issues or haven’t prepared properly. 

Foreplay is your friend:

No matter whether you’re the giver or receiver in your anal interaction, it’s important to be ultra turned on! Pornography would have you believe that you can just drop your drawers and get to it. While porn is rarely a good teacher in any circumstance, this is the most egregious erotic error adult films commit. 

Have your partner use their fingers to relax the area. The anus has a high concentration of nerve endings so any stimulation back there feels amazing, especially while your partner is going down on you. The more you’ve warmed up to the idea of being touched and the more turned on you are, the more relaxed you’ll be when it comes time for sex. 

Comfort is key:

Preparation and communication are key to your comfort during anal sex. But what’s the best position? In my opinion, for beginners, it’s with the receiving partner laying on their side and the penetrating partner spooning them. Most people think of doggy-style sex, but it can lead to penetration that’s too deep for the first time or two. Having the receiving partner on top is good too, so they can control the depth and speed of penetration.

After you’ve added anal to your regular repertoire, experimenting with other positions is tons of fun. My personal favourite is to have the receiving partner lay on their stomach — it provides an incredible visual for the penetrative partner and gives access to reach around and pleasure yourself for maximum enjoyment.

Lube up for maximum enjoyment:

It goes without saying that the butt does not self-lubricate. To ensure a pleasurable anal experience, lube is necessary. There are women who have enough experience and whose vaginal lubrication provides enough slip and slide to carry them through a vaginal and then an anal sex session, but this is not the norm. Spit does not count as lubrication. Apply lubricant directly to the condom-clad penis, fingers or sex-toy. Apply liberally. When you think you’ve applied too much, apply more! Take breaks throughout your sex session to re-apply. 

Simply using a lubricated condom is not enough. You’ll need more. Speaking of condoms, do not use oil-based lubes as it breaks them down. Water-based lubes tend to dry out rather quickly. Silicone-based lubricants are the best bet.

Safety first:

While pregnancy is not generally a concern when engaging in anal sex — though it can happen as a result of spilled semen — the bigger concern is contracting an STI. Wear a condom. The backdoor is prone to microscopic tears as a result of vigorous sex and any contact with blood as a result of these tears ups your risk of STIs. 

If you’re having anal sex with someone with a vagina, don’t ever insert the same fingers or penis into a vagina that have engaged in anal play.

Getting on with it:

You’re prepared, turned-on, lubed up and ready to go. Now what? Well, start slow. As you feel pressure back there, push out. It feels awkward and counter-intuitive, but it’s the best way to open up and let your partner in. Once the first inch is in, stop. Relax. Become accustomed to having something up there. When you’re ready, give your partner the go-ahead to get to it. Keep communicating about whether it’s too fast, too hard, too deep, or feels just right. 

If it hurts, you aren’t relaxed enough or you haven’t used enough lubrication. Anal sex should never hurt — it should feel fantastic!