By Tina Shaygan, February 14 2017 —
Students’ Union elections bring candidates who swarm classrooms, hand out cookies and cover the walls with poorly designed posters. These people promise things that will literally never happen, like better Wi-Fi and free parking. To help prepare you for the chaos, we’ve compiled a comprehensive list of candidates you’re likely to interact with in the upcoming weeks of campaigning.
The ESS duo:
These two people from Engineering Students’ Society can drink the most beer and hold the longest keg-stand. They’re the drinking gods of engineering and they will very likely get elected — mainly because they’ll bully others out of running. They’ll go into management consulting after their SU terms are over.
The Arts clan:
While all SU candidates are annoying, Arts representative candidates are a league of their own. Legend says there was 18 of them one dark election season. These people want to bring halal food to campus, become Prime Minister and run the Arts faculty simultaneously. In reality, it doesn’t matter which ones are elected — they won’t get anything done.
The rez kid:
They’re virtually unknown outside of residence, but were likely an executive on the Residence Students’ Association. They’ll count solely on their partying abilities to get them elected. Sometimes it works. Other times, they’ll learn the harsh reality that their ability to chug a two-six of Smirnoff Ice is less impressive outside of Olympus Hall.
The ENGG Switzerland candidate:
You’ll only meet this person’s floating head on a screen at forums. They are usually a past ESS executive on internship in Europe and want to run in the SU election for the sole purpose of having something to do in their final year to pad their resumé. Their loyal followers will all hold grudges once their beloved cult leader fails to win. These people manage to be the least annoying candidates, mostly due to their literal lack of presence on campus.
The Conservative™ candidate:
These people want to take U of C back to the great days where a young Stephen Harper roamed the halls of Social Sciences. They hate the millennial-left and think the campus is on the verge of a communist outbreak. They will never win an election and actually hate the SU establishment. But every year, they throw one of their own into the rink as a sacrifice to the fiscally responsible gods of conservatism. Oink, oink, capitalists.
The second-year science student:
They’re adorable, young and still full of hope. You worry about them campaigning without parental supervision, especially on nights when it’s past their curfew. They will probably do a fine job once elected, but you will never hear from them again because they’ll enrol in the University of Alberta’s medical school immediately after their SU term.
The “free parking for everyone!” candidate:
These people want to make everything free and make our campus great again. They promise you things like free parking and cheaper tuition. Little do these poor souls know, Elizabeth Cannon has a few horcruxes that need to be destroyed before anything gets cheaper on this campus.
The repeat candidate:
These people run in the election every year, for every position possible. It seems they have a weird itch only the SU can scratch. You’ve seen their posters in your first year and are seeing them again in your fifth year. These people will resign four months into their terms when they realize fancy SU positions don’t automatically grant them admission into law school.
This article is part of our humour section.