By Sean Willett, October 20 2015 —
(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Oh no! Gilles Duceppe found out where you live.
(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
You will realize you are one of the few people who noticed that Peter Mansbridge’s dentures slipped out when he tried to pronounce “pussy.”
(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
At the next federal election ,you will vote for the “Limes are Actually Green Lemons” party.
(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
You are going to try a trendy new hairstyle — a picture of Stephen Harper’s crying son shaved into the top of your head.
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
You will smoke lots of legal weed and get emotional at a picture of a coral reef.
(Feb. 19 – March 20)
You and Stephen Harper will start a travelling medicine show selling zany potions. It will land you both in jail for fraud.
(March 21 – April 19)
Justin Trudeau will climb through your window and eat your delicious and crisp Cinnamon Toast Crunch®. Fuck! You just bought that.
(April 20 – May 20)
Your kindly grandfather Tom Mulcair will finally return home with his big bag of Werther’s Originals® and kooky war stories. You missed him dearly.
(May 21 – June 20)
You will run for MP in the next election, but get dropped by your party when the Calgary Herald discovers you tweeted “cucumbers are good on burgers” seven years ago.
(June 21 – July 22)
You will meet Rex Murphy, the nation’s most powerful reptile, when he cuts in front of you at Arby’s®.
(July 23 – Aug. 22)
Due to a series of slapstick blunders, you are going to be directly responsible for Elizabeth May’s beloved hedgehog being carried off by an eagle.
(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Just as they call your riding as a one-vote victory for the enemy party, you’ll realize you forgot to vote. You fucker.