The future is super scary and extra spooky

By Derek Baker, October 27 2015 —

 

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

A strange chill will send shivers down your spine and you will feel an unearthly being’s presence. As you turn around, you will see a ghost smiling at you and carrying a six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon®. You will scream and run away, hurting the ghost’s feelings — he just wanted to hang.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

Saturn will align with Jupiter, giving you good luck on your next midterm. Unfortunately, the midterm is ASTR 207, and you just found out that astronomy is a lot different than astrology.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

“The Monster Mash” will play at the Halloween party you’re at. You will excitedly bust out all your best dance moves, but someone will skip to the next song and ruin any potential of the party being a graveyard smash. They are now public enemy number one and must be eliminated.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

A tree will fall and crush your arm on the way to class, causing you to miss your botany lecture.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

The people of the United States of America will elect a dead calico cat as their president.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will work very hard on a paper and feel that it is the best thing you ever wrote. You will not procrastinate and hand the paper in on time, but misspell the professor’s last name on your title page.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

During your next midterm, every answer on your Scantron sheet will be “B” except for one.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You will enlist in the skeleton army, preparing for the annual skeleton war. Unfortunately, the skeleton army only accepts already dead beings. Feeling like your rights are being infringed upon, you will challenge this in the Supreme Court.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will take a wrong turn going to class and end up in the wrong room. It will be incredibly dark and disorienting, but after fumbling around in the dark for a few minutes you will finally look up and see a shining golden plaque above the doorway engraved with “Mo Shúile Togam Suas.”

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

Hungry for a midnight snack, you will stumble to the fridge. Upon opening it, you will think you were robbed, as there is only half a bottle of blue Gatorade® and a small, mostly-empty jar of Cheese Whiz® inside. You will then remember that you live on a student’s budget.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

As if your life has turned into a Hitchcock movie, you will be violently attacked by birds. It was just your mean friend putting crackers in the hood of your coat.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

While driving to school, a herd of eight mysterious, snowy rabbits will block your path. You will decide to play a game of chicken with them. The rabbits will win.