By Derek Baker, October 19 2017 —
You’ve probably heard by now that Amazon is looking for a home for their a second corporate headquarters. Many Calgarians are rejoicing at the possibility, especially during tough economic times.
A recent post by the Calgary Economic Development organization came up with 23 reasons — one for every letter of the alphabet, from A-to-Zed — for why HQ2YYC should exist. We were inspired and wrote our very own.
A: Acrostic Poems. As Calgarians, we learned how to make these in Grade 2. And they’re really creative.
B: Bidding War. We will probably not win this, but we’re giving it our best shot.
C: Corporate Welfare. Because why spend money on services for citizens? That’s not the Calgary way. Corporations are individuals, too.
D: Denver. The crummy knock-off version of Calgary. Their hockey team is worse, too.
E: Extortion. This is fine.
F: First-born. We will all give you this, Amazon, if you come to Calgary.
G: Grovelling.What we’re doing to curry your favour, oh mighty Amazon executives.
H: Hippos. These animals from the zoo literally escaped last time Calgary flooded. Every office should have a pet hippo.
I: Internet. Yup, we have that here. How do you think we posted this?
J: Johnny Jew from New York. Notable friend of Ward Sutherland, who is a member of the Calgary Economic Development board of directors and is city councillor for Ward 1.
K: What is this letter?
L: Laser-beam eyes. Every Calgarian has these implanted in their retinas when they are born.
M: This letter doesn’t exist.
N: Nationalization. Alberta might nationalize weed. This should happen. Who knows — maybe they can ship it through Amazon Prime.
O: Orgasm. What the city will collectively have if you come here.
P: Pedophile’s Guide. Y’all once defended selling this book, but that’s okay.
Q: Quiznos. Ten locations in Calgary, baby.
R: Red couches. Modern interior design at its finest.
S: Sensitivity training. We did not pay attention to this.
T: Treatment of workers. Badly.
U: Unions. These are very scary.
V: Vacancy. We have almost 13-million square feet of office space available downtown. Please, take it all.
W: I’ve never heard of this letter either.
X: Xenophobia: We’ve got it!
Y: Yaks. We do not have yaks here.
Z: Zero. The per cent chance Amazon actually comes to Calgary.
This article is part of our humour section.