By Joie Atejira, March 6 2018 —
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
Asking for everyone’s notes and frantically searching Wikipedia for answers won’t help you prepare for your discussion-based class — only prayers can now. Bless up.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
It’s important to remember that you invited these people for a group-study session and they have exams too. Life isn’t always about your dating-advice meeting.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You need to calm down about your exams and assignments that are all due this week. Most importantly, stop causing everyone else to panic alongside you.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Think twice about taking another nap. Your exam dates are approaching sooner than you think. Actually, your next midterm is in 20 minutes. Run.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Dreams never come true when they’re about the person you like but that nightmare where you missed your midterm just might happen. Set at least five alarms for the morning of your next test.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
Do yourself — and your group chat — a huge favour and stop pestering them about how you haven’t started studying yet.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Get off Instagram and think of FOFO (Fear of Failing Out) instead of FOMO. You don’t get the attention you deserve on Instagram, anyway.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
If you got five extra points on your midterm every time you sent a snap on Campus Story, you would easily score 100. But that’s not how it works, ya turkey. Get studying.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Quit your seductive efforts — the person isn’t falling for it. Divert your manipulative powers towards convincing your teaching assistant to give you an A+ instead.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
It’s about time you accept life doesn’t always go your way, especially if you were hoping a snow day would postpone your midterm. Those don’t happen here — buckle up and plow down Crowchild fearlessly.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Be cautious of the “I will only watch one episode because I’m done studying and ready for tomorrow’s exam” trap. We all know that never ends well.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Remember to get some sleep. Sleep deprivation is known to cause students to completely forget where their exam room is located. Wait, where even is the university campus?