By Tommy Osborne, April 13 2019 —
On April 9, Tim Hortons CEO Don Schroeder announced that the chain would be unveiling a new ‘Roll-up-the-Rim to Lose’ month for Canadians to partake in.
“We know how popular our ‘Roll-up-the-Rim to Win’ promotion is, so we are very excited to present another chance for Canadians to eagerly roll up their rims and see the beloved ‘please play again’ message,” Schroeder said.
While rim-rolling enthusiasts can expect the iconic ‘please play again’ message, Schroeder revealed that Tim Hortons would be taking the extra step to really help Canadians feel like losers.
“Similar to how you can win things like cameras, TVs and cars, Roll-up-the-Rim to Lose will have different magnitudes of losing,” Schroeder said. “We plan on printing other messages such as ‘get the hell out of my sight’ and ‘you’re literal trash.’ ”
Among different losing messages, Schroeder added that there would be 10 cups that would cause Tim Hortons to personally send one of their employees to your home to mercilessly berate and heckle you.
Tim Hortons customers all across Canada seemed ecstatic about the chance to roll up their rims for another month.
“I personally think this is great,” said Tim Hortons customer Marco Vaughn. “It completely erases the illusion of hope. You can’t be disappointed if you know you can’t win!”
While there is no set date for Roll-up-the-Rim to Lose to begin, Schroeder said that he hopes the campaign can begin as early as November 2019. At press time, Tim Hortons was reported to be training employees how to efficiently egg customers’ cars.
This article is part of our humour section.