By Melanie Woods, December 1 2015 —
(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Your significant other will purchase you a knock-off Minions bodypillow for the holidays. Your “goggle-wearing villain assistant” will keep you warm during the dark, cold nights.
(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
While indulging in a festive cup of rum and eggnog, you will find an actual egg at the bottom of the glass.
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
A reindeer will shit on your ECON 369 final paper.
(Feb. 19 – March 20)
Your secret Santa will purchase you 50 identical blue ballpoint pens.
(March 21 – April 19)
While grocery shopping, you will notice that you can purchase eggnog-flavoured cream cheese. Has mankind gone too far?
(April 20 – May 20)
You will attend a holiday craft fair and discover that all of their wares are made entirely out of human hair.
(May 21 – June 20)
You will watch the hit holiday film Elf 12 times this month and realize how empty your life is.
(June 21 – July 22)
Over Christmas dinner, your racist uncle will unleash all of his opinions on ISIS, the Trudeau government, Benghazi,
marriage equality and the Syrian refugee crisis.
(July 23 – Aug. 22)
You will lose your keys in a snowbank. Three months later, you’ll find the raccoon that found them is now running an illegal drug cartel out of your trunk.
(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
A fat man in red will aproach you on the train with a sack full of “gifts.” He’s not Santa.
(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
In an attempt to find out if there’s a difference between candy cane Oreos® and mint Oreos®, you will eat 500 Oreos ®and immediately regret everything you’ve ever done.
(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
You will construct a snowman friend. Unfortunately, due to climate change, your only friend will melt into a sad puddle.