By Melanie Bethune, January 15 2015 —
1. Sleep better: Make sure that your alarm clock is set to the softest and most calming sounds to ease you out of your dreams. We recommend either the noise of two very rusty spoons hitting together or the repeated squawking of a distressed magpie.
2. Colour code your notes: Don’t forget to write any extra important points in the fresh crimson blood of your recently conquered enemies.
3. Be a better you: Most importantly, don’t be you. Enlist the great Meryl Streep to be you, because it’s guaranteed that she’ll be a better you than you could be. And she’ll win another Oscar for it too.
4. Get to know your professor: Talk to him after class. Learn the names of his closest family members. Find out where he lives. Take his passport. Obtain his social insurance number. Steal his identity. Flee the country. Set up a commune in Idaho under the guise of a health-food store. Let that commune evolve into a full cult, with you in place as leader. Enlist thousands of loyal followers. Be the proud leader of a health-food store cult in Idaho.
5. Eat more greens: Alex Green, that kid in your sociology class who won’t shut up? Eat him. Mr. Green, the friendly businessman figurine in the classic board game Clue? He’d go lovely with some barbecue sauce. Elizabeth May of the Green Party? She just needs a little bit of salt.