U of C to require all students to minor in entrepreneurial studies

By Derek Baker, September 5 2017 —

When students check Degree Navigator this year, they may be surprised to see a host of new required courses. Every student attending the University of Calgary now must take enough entrepreneurial studies (ENTR) courses to fulfill the requirements of a minor in order to graduate.

The decision was made after administration concluded that a degree that doesn’t immediately lead towards producing econimic value is useless.

“We didn’t do too well with that whole ‘top research university’ thing, so now we’ve set our eyes high on pumping out little capitalist piglets,” vice-provost Entrepreneurial Thinking© Elton Emerson said. “This is a real pivotal moment.”

The U of C’s announcement of their focus on Entrepreneurial Thinking© came ahead of their decision to contemplate changing its name to the University of Enbridge-Pepsi Inc.

“Students will now graduate with skills to drive innovation, discovery, innovative thinking, creativity and innovatory initiative,” Emerson said, flipping through an dictionary of entrepreneurial buzzwords. “This is a real pivot for us. Innovation is key in this new economy.”

Emerson’s speech included the word “innovate” 65 times — coincidentally the same number of times it is mentioned in U of C’s “Inspire Entrepreneurial Thinking” campaign booklet.

Despite hesitation among faculties on how a push for Entrepreneurial Thinking© could hinder research initiatives, Emerson is confident that the shift can benefit every field of study.

“Pivoting is quite simple, actually,” Emerson said. “For example, instead of studying why bees are declining at an alarming rate, study methods of using bees to produce and market artisanal, free-range honey to young upper-middle class yuppies.”

New courses within the degree stream include ENTR 201: The Foundation of a Pyramid Scheme, ENTR 341: Instagram Influencing and ENTR 501.1: Special Topics in Entrepreneurship (Marketing fidget spinners, tamagotchis, pogs and other fads).

“We believe that the most important thing a student wants to learn while at school is how to sell stuff, so that’s what we’ll teach them,” Emerson said. “Now if that doesn’t foster a great student experience, I don’t know what will. This is a real game-changer.”

Guest professors of ENTR courses include a representative from Vector Marketing, Martin Shkreli and that guy from the YouTube ad in his garage with the new Lamborghini that’s fun to drive in around Hollywood Hills.

“We only want the best of the best — we’re pivoting,” Emerson said.

When asked how Entrepreneurial Thinking© could be applied to degrees like fine arts that have less conventionally synergistic value, Emerson’s response was succinct. “Wait, who the hell are they again?”

This article is part of our humour section.