By Devin Aggarwal, October 4 2017 —
No-frills airline Eastjet announced the launch of its ultra-low-cost service “Eastjet Dive” today, promising customers low-cost tickets for international flights. Dive hopes to lower ticket prices by 75 per cent without sacrificing the company’s renowned customer service.
“Our new fleet will include legacy aircraft, certified through the test of time. We’re bringing back the golden age of flight with transatlantic trips on crop-dusters and hot air balloons,” Eastjet president Gary Swarovski said. “Most of these aircraft were retired years ago, so we can get them for free and pass the savings on to the customer. We even salvaged a few from the dump.”
There are no baggage handling fees on these new flights, mainly because there is no space for bags. Passengers will be limited to bringing whatever they can fit into a 10 cubic centimetre space under their seat.
“We’re specifically trying to capture the attention of students here,” Swarovski said. “They don’t have any luggage or really care about safety. Flying on tiny aircraft with no legroom across an ocean at less than a quarter of the speed of a conventional plane doesn’t really matter to them.”
Swarovski said that Dive will provide customers a fine dining experience, complete with alcoholic beverages. A standard drink will cost $10 — still cheaper than most drinks around the city.
“Long flights go by a lot faster if you’re drunk.” Swarovski said. “You can even party with pilots — they love to party, just like their friend from Sunwing.”
To further cut costs, all Dive flights will be used as practice for rookie pilots while they earn their licenses.
“Each training flight is a tax write-off for Eastjet,” Swarovski said. “We’re donating time on our planes to local flight schools, giving pilots real-world experience while passengers get cheap flights. It’s a win-win situation.”
Though Eastjet sees itself as an emerging leader in affordable aviation, not all potential passengers are enthused.
“The services Eastjet Dive provides are a blatant infringement on our rights as passengers,” said Ava Veitch, a passenger rights advocate and well-known Facebook news story commenter. “All passengers deserve to be treated equally. If Eastjet treats their passengers this poorly, all airlines should as well.”
Service with Eastjet Dive is scheduled to begin in June 2018. In preparation, a complaints hotline will open this December.
This article is part of our humour section.