HUMOUR_ZombieUofC_MariahWilson-2
Photo by Mariah Wilson

University of Calgary unveils new Emergency Zombie Response plan

By Devin Aggarwal, October 19 2017 —

University of Calgary officials unveiled plans this week to ensure student, faculty and staff safety in the event of an emergency. In addition to typical protocols for things like fire and extreme weather, the new plan includes an “Emergency Zombie Response Plan” in the event of an undead uprising.

“Zombies are a legitimate concern,” Campus Security spokesperson Susan Strauss said. “The basement of Craigie Hall looks like something out of a horror movie and students swear they’ve seen signs of the undead.”

Strauss went on to mention that students began finding bloodied handprints on walls around the same time a stem cell research project aiming to regenerate dead brain tissue concluded. Zombie sightings have also been reported on campus, making the announcement come not a moment too soon.

“We’ve seen subtle signs of infection, like a foul odour coming from a stairwell in Biological Sciences and a loss of communication abilities in many math majors. These could be coincidences, but it’s not worth leaving up to chance,” Strauss claimed.

Key points of the plan outline what to do in case of an outbreak.

“When a zombie alert is raised, the first step is always to collect supplies. We store all the necessities in a TFDL workroom, so when the outbreak hits, go there first,” said plan designer Marie Kirkman. “After that, you need to set up camp in a safe place with a group of three to four people to maximize survival. We’ve already converted the Olympic Oval into a zombie battle arena, so those who arealready infected can go out in a blaze of glory.”

Kirkman claimed the most important part of the plan is raising awareness of the possibility of a zombie apocalypse.

“We’re also revamping the UC Emergency app, which every student has definitely installed already,” she said. “We hope that by improving its functionality, students will check it more often and read our procedures for zombie response.”

Still, many students are dismissive of the app.

“Even if the app is made more relevant by a factor of 10, zero multiplied by 10 is still zero,” said Mark Jacobs, a third-year political science major. “Besides, safety is kind of a non-issue for me. I’m sure that everyone would agree with me that the money spent on developing the app would have made everyone happier if it was spent buying seats in lecture halls that aren’t broken.”

Another problem with the plan is the high chance of a false alarm being raised, wasting thousands of dollars in supplies.

“The plan is problematic, especially around this time of year,” Jacobs said. “Midterms make everyone indistinguishable from zombies, so it’ll be a challenge to identify a real threat from everyday life as a student.”

Further details of the plan can be obtained by contacting Campus Security, unless the zombie hoard has already taken over their office.

 

This article is part of our humour section.

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