By Matty Hume, February 28 2018 —
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
Ahh, the fish month. You’ll be the first person on earth to actually buy a Filet-O-Fish from McDonald’s.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Ram rhymes with ham. Ham comes from pigs. I think you’re gonna get a pet pig this month.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Just like your sign, astrology is bull. But this sign starts on 4/20, so I see green in your future. Ayyyy.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You’re going to run into your doppelganger this month. There can only be one. Don’t hesitate.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
I’m pretty sure you’re going to try and bring back the “this post gave me cancer” meme. Rethink this one, pal.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
I’m no Leo, but I’d be lion if I said I knew what the hell you’ll be up to this month. You figure it out.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Virgo is ‘The Maiden.’ Do you like Iron Maiden? You do now. Run to Hot Topic and scoop up a T-shirt.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Your sign is a dumb scale. You don’t even get a cool animal. Anyway, you’ll stub your toe soon. Sorry.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
You’re going to get way too into the 2002 action flick The Scorpion King, starring The Rock. Boooo.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
You’ll try archery tag and absolutely kick ass. You’ll let one kid escape to spread word of your legendary skill.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
This sign is actually a fish-goat hybrid. You’re a mergoat! That’s freaky. Skip the pool this month.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
You’re the water sign. You’ll be the person who reminds everyone to stay hydrated at the kegger.