Illustrations by Tricia Lim

We’ll only vote ‘yes’ if they add these sports to the Olympics

By Anika Zaman, November 8, 2018 —

Since the Olympics are an event on the global stage, they could always use some updating to continue staying culturally relevant. As sports and activities fade out of the public eye, newer ones should be added to the roster in order for the games to stay pertinent.

The upcoming bid for the 2026 Olympic Games has polarized the citizens of Calgary, with seemingly everyone having an opinion. Though the Gauntlet has published an editorial endorsing a ‘no’ vote in the Olympic plebiscite, we are willing to reconsider if the Olympic Committee would consider adding these new sports.

Grounders:

Grounders was and will forever be the ultimate playground game, beloved by children around the world. So why is such a widely played and popular game not yet an official sport? It’s a question I ask myself daily. Combining athleticism, teamwork and tactical matters, grounders is a game that has something for everyone. Better yet, the nostalgia invoked by making this a sport is sure to increase Olympic viewership. It’s a win-win for all involved.

Entertainment factor: 

Cultural relevancy: 

E-Sports:

As technology evolves, so must we. Remember those nerdy kids from your childhood that were always too busy with their game consoles to leave the house? Well, now there’s a way for them to win Olympic medals as well in the biggest and most well-known achievement in sports history. They will deliver the biggest ‘fuck you’ to all those traditional small-town jocks that grew up dreaming of the NHL only to peak in their community hockey league. There’s nothing better than watching a bunch of nerds button mash their way to a spiteful victory.

Entertainment factor:

Cultural relevancy: 

Air Hockey:

Table tennis is an officially recognized Olympic sport, so why can’t air hockey also be one? There’s nothing more to say.

Entertainment factor: 

Cultural relevancy: 

Foosball:

See points above in favour of air hockey. Plus, how much better would soccer be if the players could flip upside down?

Entertainment factor: 

Cultural relevancy: 

UNO:

The perfect card game for any occasion. Hanging with friends? Play UNO. On a road trip? Play UNO. At the Olympics? Play UNO. A game of UNO is the best way to bring out humanity’s more supressed and violent tendencies. Ever seen your calmest friend flip a table over a game of UNO? Yeah, me too. Putting this on the Olympic stage will result in a televised record of some of humanity’s highest and lowest moments.

Entertainment factor:

Cultural relevancy:

Comments



Hiring | Staff | Advertising | Contact | PDF version | Archive | Volunteer