By Derek Baker, November 27 2017 —
(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
You have been blessed with a horse-like feature. Unfortunately, it’s your face.
(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
What animal even is your sign? Some sort of whale-antelope hybrid? Cool. Your sign signifies how angsty and misunderstood you will feel this week. Jeez, mom, you just don’t understand.
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
You might not think your sign has an animal associated with it, but there are a few contenders. You could be all of the microscopic bacteria in the water or something. The planet of Aquarius is also Uranus, so maybe you’re an ass. Whatever you are, stop being such a nuisance this week.
(Feb. 19 – March 20)
The two fish in your sign represent all of the double-doubles you will consume this week while you desperately try to finish the term papers you’ve procrastinated up to this point. Be sure to ask for dark roast.
(March 21 – April 19)
The ram perfectly symbolizes how you’ll get through this week. No matter what obstacles are in your way, ram right through them, leaving as much destruction in your path as you can. Just like how you barrel through life.
(April 20 – May 20)
No one’s gonna mess with you this week after you repeatedly yell, “You mess with the bull, you get the horns!” The un-amusing dad joke will ostracize you from your peers for the rest of the semester, giving you the peace and quiet needed to study for finals.
(May 21 – June 20)
You will find out you have a long-lost twin sibling this week, who is a much cooler, nicer and more successful version of yourself.
(June 21 – July 22)
I would make a joke about you catching crabs this week, but we all know you’re not going to score anytime in the near future.
(July 23 – Aug. 22)
‘RAWR xD’ means, “I am going to eat your fucking face off” in lion. Fierce.
(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Actually, your sign isn’t an animal — it includes a plant, though. Wheat, to be exact. Be sure to eat a lot of bread this week. Bread is good. Bread is pure. Oprah would approve.
(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
The scale in your sign signifies that your animal is actually a dragon. Just like dragons, you don’t actually exist. Your whole life, including this article, has been some sort of weird fabrication in space and time.
(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Make sure to check inside your shoes before you put them on. A new species of cold-resistant scorpion has been genetically engineered and it has a taste for blood — specifically, yours.