By Melanie Bethune, January 29 2015 —
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
The warm weather is a sign that the Fire Overlords are gaining strength. Fortify your home, protect your loved ones and stock up on deodorant and iced tea in preparation for the apocalypse.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
A tall, bright stranger — one of the Fire Overlords — will ask for your hand in marriage. Take it and don’t ask questions. The Fire Overlord will treat you nicely, respect you and, more importantly, maybe not bathe the entire planet in cleansing flame right away. The future of the human race depends on your union.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You may think that fighting fire with fire is the only solution to the Fire Overlords’ tyrannical reign. Of course, as the saying goes, the fire will only grow larger and with it, so will the strength of the Fire Overlord regime.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You’ll begin to question your life decisions. In Fire Overlord society, post-secondary institutions will be incinerated, so you might as well prepare for that. Abandon your studies, throw out that half-finished paper on Altman’s syntactic analysis of film and stop going to class. Nobody will give a fuck about academics once the Fire Overlords have taken over.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Your routine will be interrupted, as the Fire Overlords run society very differently than you’re used to. Be prepared to sweat, burn and cry out in pain and agony.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will likely feel lonely in the new Fire Overlord regime. If you want to invite a fire overlord into your bed, douse your naked body in gasoline. At less than 80 cents a litre, it’s a cheap option. Besides, nothing gets a Fire Overlord hornier than the scent of fresh gasoline.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
Sharing will be of great benefit to you, as the Fire Overlords believe in the communal experience. That is, no matter their economic standing, every man, woman and child will be subjected to the same level of searing hate fire.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
You will be faced with a political choice. In the upcoming Canadian federal election, vote for independent candidate Tom Smith. He has promised to negotiate with the Fire Overlords to settle some appeasement strategy. Trudeau, Mulcair and Harper will just fight pitifully in an attempt to be “noble” and thus vainly delay the inevitable rule of the Fire Overlords.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Keep an eye on your finances, as paper money and bills will all be incinerated upon the arrival of the Fire Overlords. Liquidate all of your assets into gold bars and store them in Elizabeth Cannon’s vault, located a kilometre beneath the Science A building. Of course, even gold will have no value after the Fire Overlords have enacted their flaming regime.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Appeasement will be incredibly important under the Fire Overlords’ rule. Offer up all of your flammable items including all bed linens, chintzy tea towels, pets, newspapers and Christmas trees. If they are pleased, the Fire Overlords will spare you and your loved ones until the end of the cleansing flame bath.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Be careful when dealing with authority figures, as everything changed when the Fire Overlords attacked. The leaders of the fire overlords have already captured your loved ones and are holding them hostage at the centre of a blazing inferno. They will use the threat of harming them as leverage in getting you to do their firey bidding.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
You might think you can escape but you won’t. Accept your inevitable firey fate and maybe purchase some marshmallows. If you’re lucky, you’ll be able to toast them before the Fire Overlords arrive in full force.