By Frankie Hart, October 6 2019 —
(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
You’ll buy yourself a slice of cheesecake from Coffee Company and eat at one of those little two-seat tables by the windows. You’ll eat your cake very slowly, waiting to see if anyone you know will stop and chat. No one will. Happy birthday.
(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
You’ll accidentally drink spoiled milk. Sorry bro, the stars say what the stars say.
(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
You’ll foolishly get food from Subway even though they don’t have a Coca-Cola Freestyle machine like all the other Subways. If MacHall was really going to insist on selling all Coca-Cola products, why can’t they at least put a machine to allow me to taste the sweet nectar that is Cherry Sorbet Coca-Cola? Maybe I’m being a little harsh because I just miss how the soda fountain at Carl’s Jr. used to have flavour shots back when MacHall had a contract with Pepsi, so I would just have double-cherry Dr. Pepper all the time. It was wretched, yes, but damn if I didn’t enjoy every last saccharine drop. If someone from Subway is reading this, please support my cause.
(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
You will spill your Kobe Beef udon all over your lap. It could be worse.
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Your paper straw won’t be the only thing to disintegrate into your A&W rootbeer. Say goodbye to your calc homework.
(Feb. 19 – March 20)
You’ll be eating in MacHall and someone nearby will be drinking kombucha. Nothing else will happen, that stuff just smells like piss and will ruin your meal.
(March 21 – April 19)
You will wait in the Starbucks line during peak times. Damn.
(April 20 – May 20)
You’ll comically slip on a perfectly-placed puddle on the floor and inadvertently throw your food in the air, which will land on another student! Oh no! But then, that student will then toss his food at another student, launching a MacHall-wide food fight. In the thick of the food flinging, you’ll manage to use your backpack to block the girl of your dreams from a spray of pizza toppings. Little did you know, the girl of your dreams isn’t actually the girl of your dreams, the actual girl of your dreams was your quirky but cute best friend this entire time! After you come to this realization, you’ll fall in love with her and probably live happily ever after.
(May 21 – June 20)
You will buy a pack of hardboiled eggs from Stör. Then you will eat them.
(June 21 – July 22)
You’ll convince yourself that you’ll stop spending so much money on burgers. Good one.
(July 23 – Aug. 22)
You’ll attempt to enjoy the one moment of the day you have to yourself and your delicious meal. This will be in vain, as another student next to you will try — fail — to recite “Rap God” perfectly at his friends. They will also suffer.
(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
You will buy a large Dairy Queen Blizzard® at 9 a.m. That kind of day, huh?