By Derek Baker, September 11 2017 —
(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
In an effort to appear “hip” and “with it,” your professor’s PowerPoint notes will be filled exclusively with emojis and text speak. The mitochondria is the 💡🏠 of the 📱, LOL.
(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
You’ll feel the need to play devil’s advocate for literally every class discussion. You think you’re so fucking edgy, don’t you? Everyone is in awe of your super edgy opinions.
(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Your professor will snidely ask, “Did you bring enough for the whole class?” after seeing you munching down on snacks during lecture. When it turns out you did, you’ll become the most adored person in your faculty for the remainder of your degree.
(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Your professor will contradict the textbook every chance they get, even though you were required to purchase this $200 waste of paper. Isn’t that just great?
(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Thinking that you’ve entered a lecture for a foreign class language by mistake, you’ll start packing up to leave. Nope, this is just a cellular biology class. The names of the proteins really are that ridiculous.
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
You will sit in the creakiest seat in the lecture theatre, making everyone sitting nearby hate you. By the end of the semester, you’ll be so good at sitting still that you’ll paint yourself chrome and busk as a human statue in MacHall. This will be the most money your degree ever earns you.
(Feb. 19 – March 20)
Your jaded soul will enjoy that your professor takes every chance they get to take cheap shots at the University of Calgary administration during lecture. They have tenure, obviously.
(March 21 – April 19)
Your professor will give out all of the answers to the final exam during an early morning lecture this Friday after seeing that only one person shows up. This person now rules the class despotically, so you better get on their good side if you want to pass.
(April 20 – May 20)
Campus Security will be called to your sociology class after a student releases 1,000 bees during lecture to make some weird metaphorical statement about collectivism. Buzz, buzz, buzz, comrades.
(May 21 – June 20)
After making the smoothest recovery ever from stumbling down the stairs in your lecture theatre, you will receive the nickname “Smooth, Groovy Moves” for the rest of the semester. Rad.
(June 21 – July 22)
You will accidentally touch the underside of your desk and feel the disgusting remains of over 100 pieces of chewed gum. Your fingers will fall off from the resulting disease you catch.
(July 23 – Aug. 22)
Watch out! A projector will fall on you after your professor throws his shoe at it because it wouldn’t turn on for the third lecture in a row.